Hammer onto justice

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Re: Hammer onto justice

Postby Silverdream » Thu Apr 17, 2014 2:39 am

Since everyone is just complaining and shitting up the thread even harder (although admit scythe's last post was mostly original), I'm actually going to help and give advice.

Paragraphs should be 250 words, but they can be longer and shorter than this. Create new paragraphs when you have a new overall thought. You also want to indent new paragraphs. By that I mean add spaces before it starts. Sentences should have one thought. Sentences with more than one though are very long, confusing and bother people who read your stories and turn into run on sentences which are really terrible and horrible to read.

As for basic punctuation, periods go at the end of sentences. You capitalize the first word of every sentence, as well as the names of places and people. I also recommend varying sentence length. Periods go at the end of each thought. Commas should act as pauses in your writing.

Seriously guys. Who didn't write shit when they were twelve? Excuse him for trying to better himself as a writer and bounce ideas off of this forum, even if they may be stereotypical. As fun as it is to act like you're mightier than Rayhawk, you should pick tougher targets. Find flaws in mgb's and shadowscythe's writing. I'm sure they'd appreciate any constructive critiscism. Right now all your doing is shitting up shit, when we already have a perfectly functional toilet.
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Re: Hammer onto justice

Postby Maverick » Thu Apr 17, 2014 2:55 am

I didn't write like this when i was twelve.
Think I'm stupid? Well then check out this:
Spoiler: show
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Re: Hammer onto justice

Postby The Shadowscythe » Thu Apr 17, 2014 2:56 am

-- WARNINK -- LINK BELOW IZ KNOWN TO CAUZE HEMMORAGE --
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I WARNED YOU, DIDN'T I WARN YOU?! BLAME RAYHAWK DAMNIT.
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Re: Hammer onto justice

Postby Silverdream » Thu Apr 17, 2014 3:56 am

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Re: Hammer onto justice

Postby Colette » Thu Apr 17, 2014 8:11 am

Maverick wrote:I didn't write like this when i was twelve.

As my 70-year old AI teacher emphasizes: writing is hard, and we're never finished learning it.
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Re: Hammer onto justice

Postby BFenix » Thu Apr 17, 2014 10:54 am

The Shadowscythe wrote:
BFenix wrote:I read the first few words and it sounded way too generic. Try something more original.


Barbecue! Marmalade! Parachute, moose of mouse. Twelve inches of high explosive bungalow, wibble wobble splutch clutch wing wang wong. Dribbling hippopotamus of benign purpose whom wishes to hammer onto justice. Black hole pride parade, bdsm gear and loose moist farts.

0937 0937 0937 0937 0937

Cockwombles and the sour cream of eventual doom. I opened my window this morning to see a cow, on stilts - whom wished to sell me car insurance. I told him to go forth and fellate a horse, as I did not own a car. To my horror he brought me a car, and fellated it.

I sold the tape on ebay, for 47 rubles and a toaster.

The toasters name was June, and together we solved crimes and explored our forbidden lust. Until he died of dissentry.

I would like to thank lord Bangladesh and the all time Bangladesh IT firm for this post, as they taught me the most all helpful interesting word post for BFenix.

Justified jew juice justice just jogged jubilant into the jumpjet of jabberwaks to justify this juxtaposition.


That was actually funny and entertaining to read. Thank you, Scythe.

I wasn't trying to be an asshole towards Rayhawk, but he simply posts everything he does. Either it's good or bad, refined or raw.
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Re: Hammer onto justice

Postby Battlegrinder » Thu Apr 17, 2014 4:19 pm

Silverdream wrote:Since everyone is just complaining and shitting up the thread even harder (although admit scythe's last post was mostly original), I'm actually going to help and give advice.

Seriously guys. Who didn't write shit when they were twelve? Excuse him for trying to better himself as a writer and bounce ideas off of this forum, even if they may be stereotypical. As fun as it is to act like you're mightier than Rayhawk, you should pick tougher targets. Find flaws in mgb's and shadowscythe's writing. I'm sure they'd appreciate any constructive critiscism. Right now all your doing is shitting up shit, when we already have a perfectly functional toilet.


Good point, I do tend to forget that Rayhawk is as young as he is (which in itself is somewhat impressive, as many people his age are far less literate). I decided to do a line by line rewrite of Rayhawk's story, since in its current state the format issues are so bad that its hard to look beyond that. apologies for any typos I only spent about a half hour working on this.

A More Eloquent Rayhawk wrote:In the year 2245, earth erupted into World War 3, as the great nations fought a savage war for control of the planet. In 2300, after over half a century of war, the conflict finally came to an end, with [faction name] uniting humanity under its banner. The decades of war had left Earth ravaged, and so battered humanity looked to the stars, seeking a fresh start. The Earth Space Initiative, or ESI, was formed, and spearheaded efforts to colonize the rest of the solar system. While the Earth stile bore scars from WWIII, resources from the rest of the solar system helped to repair some of damage.

When FTL was discovered, humanity ventured even further into the unknown. These first expeditions went well at the start, until mankind encountered The Black Holes. Clad in concealing jet black armor, the alien attacked the fledging colonies, obliterating many of them before the residents even knew they were under attack. For the second time in as many centuries, one of humanities darkest nightmares had come to life.

After discovering the scale of the threat, the ESI the formed the Star Wardens. Based on the [WWIII winner’s] space forces, who’d fought to protect that nation’s orbital assets from rival powers, the Wardens were deployed to protect humanity from this new threat. Slowly, mankind learned the art of interstellar warfare, and begin to push back against the Holes. After six years of war, the Holes changed tactics, and launched an assault on Sol itself. For months, great fleets clashed, as the invaders slowly forced their way deeper and deeper into Sol. After Mars fell, ESI high command realized that they couldn’t win this war. Not on their own.

The ESI ordered one of the last remaining cruisers, the Hammer onto Justice, to escort a handful of civilian ships away from the war, with orders to try and find allies that would come to humanities aid, and failing that, to flee as far as the could from Earth, and build a new life there. The handful of ships managed to break through the tightening Black Hole blockade fleet, and fled into the depths of space.


I'll just leave this here for now, and will post my opinions on it later today.
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Re: Hammer onto justice

Postby Brikguy0410 » Thu Apr 17, 2014 5:08 pm

Battlegrinder wrote:
Silverdream wrote:Since everyone is just complaining and shitting up the thread even harder (although admit scythe's last post was mostly original), I'm actually going to help and give advice.

Seriously guys. Who didn't write shit when they were twelve? Excuse him for trying to better himself as a writer and bounce ideas off of this forum, even if they may be stereotypical. As fun as it is to act like you're mightier than Rayhawk, you should pick tougher targets. Find flaws in mgb's and shadowscythe's writing. I'm sure they'd appreciate any constructive critiscism. Right now all your doing is shitting up shit, when we already have a perfectly functional toilet.


Good point, I do tend to forget that Rayhawk is as young as he is (which in itself is somewhat impressive, as many people his age are far less literate). I decided to do a line by line rewrite of Rayhawk's story, since in its current state the format issues are so bad that its hard to look beyond that. apologies for any typos I only spent about a half hour working on this.

A More Eloquent Rayhawk wrote:In the year 2245, earth erupted into World War 3, as the great nations fought a savage war for control of the planet. In 2300, after over half a century of war, the conflict finally came to an end, with [faction name] uniting humanity under its banner. The decades of war had left Earth ravaged, and so battered humanity looked to the stars, seeking a fresh start. The Earth Space Initiative, or ESI, was formed, and spearheaded efforts to colonize the rest of the solar system. While the Earth stile bore scars from WWIII, resources from the rest of the solar system helped to repair some of damage.

When FTL was discovered, humanity ventured even further into the unknown. These first expeditions went well at the start, until mankind encountered The Black Holes. Clad in concealing jet black armor, the alien attacked the fledging colonies, obliterating many of them before the residents even knew they were under attack. For the second time in as many centuries, one of humanities darkest nightmares had come to life.

After discovering the scale of the threat, the ESI the formed the Star Wardens. Based on the [WWIII winner’s] space forces, who’d fought to protect that nation’s orbital assets from rival powers, the Wardens were deployed to protect humanity from this new threat. Slowly, mankind learned the art of interstellar warfare, and begin to push back against the Holes. After six years of war, the Holes changed tactics, and launched an assault on Sol itself. For months, great fleets clashed, as the invaders slowly forced their way deeper and deeper into Sol. After Mars fell, ESI high command realized that they couldn’t win this war. Not on their own.

The ESI ordered one of the last remaining cruisers, the Hammer onto Justice, to escort a handful of civilian ships away from the war, with orders to try and find allies that would come to humanities aid, and failing that, to flee as far as the could from Earth, and build a new life there. The handful of ships managed to break through the tightening Black Hole blockade fleet, and fled into the depths of space.


I'll just leave this here for now, and will post my opinions on it later today.


You changed it, the star wardens did not push against the black holes, the ESI was so scared of them they canceled all missions outside the sol system, the star wardens were supposed to protect mankind if they ever showed up, and six year later, they did, also the star wardens were a new thing, they were formed in response to the black holes, also the black holes were not public knowledge, the star wardens and the black holes were covered up. In addition, no colones were established outside the sol system, after the black holes were discovered all colonization projects were canceled, basically, due to the black holes superior tech, the ESI was fucking terrified of them. Ps, the defenses only held for thirty minutes
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Re: Hammer onto justice

Postby Battlegrinder » Thu Apr 17, 2014 6:08 pm

Brikguy0410 wrote:You changed it, the star wardens did not push against the black holes, the ESI was so scared of them they canceled all missions outside the sol system, the star wardens were supposed to protect mankind if they ever showed up, and six year later, they did, also the star wardens were a new thing, they were formed in response to the black holes, also the black holes were not public knowledge, the star wardens and the black holes were covered up. In addition, no colones were established outside the sol system, after the black holes were discovered all colonization projects were canceled, basically, due to the black holes superior tech, the ESI was fucking terrified of them. Ps, the defenses only held for thirty minutes


Yes, I made changes, it's called creative license. The elements I tweaked were the ones that I felt weakened the overall story, and since you made an issue of it, I'll explain why.

1. No counterattack once Black Holes arrived: When has mankind ever encountered an actively hostile force and decided to just hid? Avoid a direct fight, sure. Try to buy some time and build up a military, yes. But just hide? Almost never. The ESI would've started gearing up for war the minute the Black Holes appeared, because that's how human's react to an active threat. one of major lessons of warfare is to never cede the initiative to your enemy, and to never fight on your home ground. In your story, the ESI did both, since they left the Holes free to attack anywhere the Holes wanted, and by refusing to fight them out in space, they let the Holes walk right up to Earth's doorstep.

2. No Colonies: Again, that's not what human's do. An expanding society needs resources, and while mankind might have been able find what they need in the handful of habitable solar bodies, looking for them outside the Solar system would've been a priority, especially since all the places we they could settle in Sol would've needed terriforming, while an Earth like planet elsewhere in the galaxy would be far easier to settle and supply.

3. Coverup: Wikileaks.

4. Black Holes have better tech: It can't have been that good, since the human scout ships escaped. For that to have happened, human and Black Hole tech would have to be roughly equal. For example, Imagine pitting a WW2 era destroyer or frigate against a modern one. The older ship would be obliterated before it even knew the newer ship was there. The same principle applies to Sci-fi.

5. 30 minute war (and surrender): Without launching into a really long spiel about space combat, the 'rules' of how you write that kind of story, etc, I can't really explain what's wrong with the 30 minute war concept. However, I can say that, like in #1 and #2, surrendering to a hostile alien species is both contrary to human nature and good storytelling.
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Re: Hammer onto justice

Postby Brikguy0410 » Thu Apr 17, 2014 6:35 pm

Battlegrinder wrote:
Brikguy0410 wrote:You changed it, the star wardens did not push against the black holes, the ESI was so scared of them they canceled all missions outside the sol system, the star wardens were supposed to protect mankind if they ever showed up, and six year later, they did, also the star wardens were a new thing, they were formed in response to the black holes, also the black holes were not public knowledge, the star wardens and the black holes were covered up. In addition, no colones were established outside the sol system, after the black holes were discovered all colonization projects were canceled, basically, due to the black holes superior tech, the ESI was fucking terrified of them. Ps, the defenses only held for thirty minutes


Yes, I made changes, it's called creative license. The elements I tweaked were the ones that I felt weakened the overall story, and since you made an issue of it, I'll explain why.

1. No counterattack once Black Holes arrived: When has mankind ever encountered an actively hostile force and decided to just hid? Avoid a direct fight, sure. Try to buy some time and build up a military, yes. But just hide? Almost never. The ESI would've started gearing up for war the minute the Black Holes appeared, because that's how human's react to an active threat. one of major lessons of warfare is to never cede the initiative to your enemy, and to never fight on your home ground. In your story, the ESI did both, since they left the Holes free to attack anywhere the Holes wanted, and by refusing to fight them out in space, they let the Holes walk right up to Earth's doorstep.

2. No Colonies: Again, that's not what human's do. An expanding society needs resources, and while mankind might have been able find what they need in the handful of habitable solar bodies, looking for them outside the Solar system would've been a priority, especially since all the places we they could settle in Sol would've needed terriforming, while an Earth like planet elsewhere in the galaxy would be far easier to settle and supply.

3. Coverup: Wikileaks.

4. Black Holes have better tech: It can't have been that good, since the human scout ships escaped. For that to have happened, human and Black Hole tech would have to be roughly equal. For example, Imagine pitting a WW2 era destroyer or frigate against a modern one. The older ship would be obliterated before it even knew the newer ship was there. The same principle applies to Sci-fi.

5. 30 minute war (and surrender): Without launching into a really long spiel about space combat, the 'rules' of how you write that kind of story, etc, I can't really explain what's wrong with the 30 minute war concept. However, I can say that, like in #1 and #2, surrendering to a hostile alien species is both contrary to human nature and good storytelling.

You see that's what they were doing, the star wardens, when the black holes attacked, were not entirely ready for action, even after six years, also the scout ship escaping was more of luck than tech, the black holes out tech the ESI by a lot, they were smart enough to realize an all out war was suicide
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Re: Hammer onto justice

Postby Battlegrinder » Sun Apr 20, 2014 3:41 pm

Brikguy0410 wrote:You see that's what they were doing, the star wardens, when the black holes attacked, were not entirely ready for action, even after six years, also the scout ship escaping was more of luck than tech, the black holes out tech the ESI by a lot, they were smart enough to realize an all out war was suicide


If those aspects are so central to your story, then you should have put them in the story. Coming up with explains for plot holes doesn't help you if you never tell the reader what those explanations are.
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Re: Hammer onto justice

Postby Maverick » Mon Apr 21, 2014 4:20 am

Brikguy0410 wrote:The black holes out tech the ESI by a lot, they were smart enough to realize an all out war was suicide

It's better to burn up, than to fade away.
Sometimes humanity have to make sacrifices. They can't stay hidden. The human race will never just surrender. Hiding like a rabit is not human nature. In that case it's better to fight and die. Vode An.
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Wanted something that rhymes with "Mandalore" but I think "pandawhore shitsnorkeler" Does the job. And then some more.
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Re: Hammer onto justice

Postby Brikguy0410 » Mon Apr 21, 2014 7:03 am

Maverick wrote:
Brikguy0410 wrote:The black holes out tech the ESI by a lot, they were smart enough to realize an all out war was suicide

It's better to burn up, than to fade away.
Sometimes humanity have to make sacrifices. They can't stay hidden. The human race will never just surrender. Hiding like a rabit is not human nature. In that case it's better to fight and die. Vode An.

That literally would of been suicide, if the ESI had went for all out war, the human race would be wiped out of existence, also fighting is not human nature, we are capable of hiding
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Re: Hammer onto justice

Postby Maverick » Mon Apr 21, 2014 8:09 am

Brikguy0410 wrote:
Maverick wrote:
Brikguy0410 wrote:The black holes out tech the ESI by a lot, they were smart enough to realize an all out war was suicide

It's better to burn up, than to fade away.
Sometimes humanity have to make sacrifices. They can't stay hidden. The human race will never just surrender. Hiding like a rabit is not human nature. In that case it's better to fight and die. Vode An.

That literally would of been suicide, if the ESI had went for all out war, the human race would be wiped out of existence, also fighting is not human nature, we are capable of hiding

Wussy. Rather die fighting, than be suppressed. Look at the WWII saboteurs.
Think I'm stupid? Well then check out this:
Spoiler: show
Overwatch_Elite wrote:well THEN STOP HAVING SUCH AN ENLIGHTENED BRAIN geeze this place isn't for smart people such as yourself

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Nominees
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-Maverick
-Samuelzz10
Winner: Maverick
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Maverick
Wanted something that rhymes with "Mandalore" but I think "pandawhore shitsnorkeler" Does the job. And then some more.
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Re: Hammer onto justice

Postby mgb519 » Mon Apr 21, 2014 10:54 am

It's like you took the backstory from Crimson Eclipse and applied as many clichés as you could come up with.
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