Ya'll like this one: Catfish Gets EXPELLED!

[CompulsiveCatfish]

Wife-unit is friends with one of the administrator units at the local middle school. Was asked to give a quick talk during shop about industrial work and the importance of safety.

Ok that's a worthy cause, one I can get behind. Went in decked out in goggles, ear protectors, face-shield, gloves, apron, big clunky steel-toes.

Talked to them about some of the machines I ran over the years... from screw machines to molding machines... discussed how I've seen people cut, pinched, burned and zapped because they weren't wearing safety gear.


Then we had question and answer time! Actual snippet of dialog:

SMALL CHILD: "So Mr. Richard, you talked about a screw machine? Why is it called a screw machine? Does it makes screws and stuff?"

BRIAN: "Actually they call it that because if you push the wrong button you are SCREWED."

TEACHER: "Get out of my classroom!"



What... they brought me in to educate and they get mad when I do. ROTFL!


To clarify: The kid understood the joke. Further clarify: In this situation screwed = "in serious trouble."


The teacher of course only understands "screw" as a filthy euphemistic slang term for sexual intercourse... and that's what she said too. "filthy euphemistic slang term for sexual intercourse."


Anyway, The teacher more or less ended the lecture at that point. I packed up my stuff, went out in the hall and she followed me and give me the "filthy euphemistic" line and how in the future I should keep in mind that these are CHILDREN and I need to watch what I say.

I told her that I didn't feel she was qualified to teach a technical class and that I would be talking to Anne Lastnamewitheld about the situation because 1) I didn't say anything out of line and 2) I was asked to represent the real world by Anne Lastnamewitheld.

At this point she just huffed and told me that had I been one of her students I would be expelled for my attitude and told me to find my way out, promptly.

From there I walked out, and now I'm at the coffee shop waiting for a second reply from Anne.

Wife thought the whole thing was a riot and agrees with me that teacher needs to step into reality.

[Warhead]

In future please use the proper and educational authority approved reply in such situations.

SMALL CHILD: "So Mr. Richard, you talked about a screw machine? Why is it called a screw machine? Does it makes screws and stuff?"

BRIAN: "Why do you want to know that? Are you trying to find out why we call your mom the same thing?"

SMALL CHILD: ...

BRIAN: "I'll get my coat."

[CompulsiveCatfish]

SMALL CHILD: "Mr. Richard why is it called a screw machine? That's what Mommy calls her special friend Mr. Warhead."

BRIAN: "That's because your mother is a MILF."

SMALL CHILD: (to other small child) "See Johnny I told you."

TEACHER:

[Warhead]

Of course there's always the Scenes of Crime lab technician stock reply from Police Squad.

SMALL CHILD: "So Mr. Richard, you talked about a screw machine? Why is it called a screw machine? Does it makes screws and stuff?"

BRIAN: "You know when your mom just steps out of the shower and the beads of water are still gathered on her smooth silky pearl white skin of her clevage like jewels of... what?"

SMALL CHILDREN: ...

Teacher:

Brian: *sigh* "I'll get my coat..."

[CompulsiveCatfish]

SMALL CHILD: "So Mr. Richard, you talked about a screw machine? Why is it called a screw machine? Does it makes screws and stuff?"

BRIAN: "Here bend over and I'll show you."

SMALL CHILD: "Oh so it's a Catholic thing. See Johnny, I TOLD ya."

TEACHER:

[Warhead]

SMALL CHILD: "So Mr. Richard, you talked about a screw machine? Why is it called a screw machine? Does it makes screws and stuff?"

BRIAN: "Well if that's how things get names we'd have to change your moms to The Stupid Cunt now wouldn't we."

SMALL CHILD: ...

TEACHER:

KO! CATFISH WINS THE DAY!

[CompulsiveCatfish]

SMALL CHILD: "So Mr. Richard, you talked about a screw machine? Why is it called a screw machine? Does it makes screws and stuff?"

BRIAN: "No, it's actually an enormous rubber dildo on the end of a mechanical device, powered by a 300hp industrial motor. The woman bends over and straps in here, and presses this button here... and the rotary motion of the motor denoted by the letter A is turned into a reciprocating thrusting motion by the mechanical arrangement here. By pulling the lever marked with the letter X you increase and decrease the gear ratio in the gearbox marked Z. Various combination of rotational power and gear ratio result in different mechanical motions as explained by Muzors and Gorham's third electromechanical thesis, section two.

SMALL CHILD: Fascinating, but what if we adjusted the position of the mechanical pivot on this part here, moving it here?

BRIAN: Ah, intriguing. *does math on chalkboard*

TEACHER:

[Warhead]

SMALL CHILD: "So Mr. Richard, you talked about a screw machine? Why is it called a screw machine? Does it makes screws and stuff?"

BRIAN: "Well, it's all part of the nomenclature that is the gift of the Tradesman. The screw machine of course you know about, but has anyone here ever heard of the anal probulator and the bawsack suckerator? All very important machines in the profession as your Teacher Miss Testmarker is well aware from the earlier private tutorial I provided"

CHILDREN: ...Eeep!

Teacher:

[CompulsiveCatfish]

SMALL CHILD: "So Mr. Richard, you talked about a screw machine? Why is it called a screw machine? Does it makes screws and stuff?"

BRIAN: Yes, exactly. It's a type of automated mechanical turret lathe that produces threaded products from rod stock. Actually with a little bit of skill you can make just about anything on it that you can make with a turret lathe.

SMALL CHILD: Are you certain, Mr. Richard.

BRIAN: Quite, why?

SMALL CHILD: Ms. Frigidipple says that it's actually an enormous rubber dildo attached to a mechanical arm powered by a 300hp industrial motor.

BRIAN:

TEACHER

[Gunney]

...The humor is so amazing I think I just lost a kidney. But not from laughing. From trying to CONTAIN the laughter.

Oh, by the way, AHahahahah ohohohoohoho hehehe... Funny.

[CompulsiveCatfish]

...The humor is so amazing I think I just lost a kidney. But not from laughing. From trying to CONTAIN the laughter.

Oh, by the way, AHahahahah ohohohoohoho hehehe... Funny.

If I get asked to conduct a lecture again I now have material to use. No more being shitcanned because of a euphemism!

[dilanski]

SMALL CHILD: "So Mr. Richard, you talked about a screw machine? Why is it called a screw machine? Does it makes screws and stuff?"

BRIAN: Well what the fuck do you think it does? Enlarges your penis?

TEACHER: Ha LOL you got PWND!

HOLY GOD YOU'VE INVENTED A NEW SPORT!!

[aoffan23]

SMALL CHILD: "So Mr. Richard, you talked about a screw machine? Why is it called a screw machine? Does it makes screws and stuff?"

BRIAN: No, it causes a chemical reaction between francium and water causing a massive release of energy that blows open the casing of the machine and sends shrapnel in every direction. Now if you're just gonna ask stupid questions then shut the fuck up you little shit.

SMALL CHILD:

TEACHER:

[BFenix]

Ahah, its a new version king of the hill!