taken out so turnitin.com doesn't think i plagiarize myself >_>
thanks for the reviews
Latent Poison (RD)
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Latent Poison (RD)
by vulcant13 » Wed Feb 11, 2009 9:20 pm
Last edited by vulcant13 on Mon Feb 23, 2009 4:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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vulcant13 - Officer
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by pesgores » Thu Feb 12, 2009 2:41 pm
I was going to read it, thinking it only had a paragraph, and then scrolled down and saw lots of paragraphs.
I would read it, though I don't have much time right now. Maybe later.
I would read it, though I don't have much time right now. Maybe later.
"You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun, that you can with just a kind word." - Al Capone
My official post number 1000 was "The whole battle?"
My official post number 1000 was "The whole battle?"
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pesgores - forum disapproval celebrity
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by Warhead » Thu Feb 12, 2009 3:47 pm
Wow, great critique pesgores. The amount of times you see revues about shows or books that go...
"Ah well, I would have read/watched it but I couldn't be arse quite frankly. Stayed home and played navel fluff hockey instead..."
Or
"It's a bit long."
vulcant13, I'm no expert and you don't know me so not sure you want my constructive criticism but is it meant to read like an old style fem-fatal/gum shoe type novel/movie. If so you need to make it a little grittier IMO, even if they are well to do. Also you don't have to describe everything going on. Allow the reader to assume. The readers imagination will fill in the blanks and it will shorten your writing.
Try...
...you get the idea.
Hope this helps. Keep up the good work and the more practice the better the results.
"Ah well, I would have read/watched it but I couldn't be arse quite frankly. Stayed home and played navel fluff hockey instead..."
Or
"It's a bit long."
vulcant13, I'm no expert and you don't know me so not sure you want my constructive criticism but is it meant to read like an old style fem-fatal/gum shoe type novel/movie. If so you need to make it a little grittier IMO, even if they are well to do. Also you don't have to describe everything going on. Allow the reader to assume. The readers imagination will fill in the blanks and it will shorten your writing.
The investigator watched curiously as she walked over to the entry table and to her purse. His expression changed to surprise when she pulled a revolver from the confines of her purse.
Try...
She walked to the table where her purse rested. His expression changed to surprise at the revolver she produced from within.
...you get the idea.
Hope this helps. Keep up the good work and the more practice the better the results.
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Warhead - his facetious and usual sarcastic self
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by tahthing » Thu Feb 12, 2009 8:04 pm
wow bit long.
make it shorter i really can't be asked to read it.
ill hapily read a large book but on the internet i think diffrent.
make it shorter i really can't be asked to read it.
ill hapily read a large book but on the internet i think diffrent.
"some people are like slinkies there really good for nothing, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs"
"Triangalism! What's the fuckin' point!"
"Triangalism! What's the fuckin' point!"
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tahthing - probably j+b's second account
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by pesgores » Sat Feb 14, 2009 5:01 am
tahthing wrote:wow bit long.
make it shorter i really can't be asked to read it.
ill hapily read a large book but on the internet i think diffrent.
Yep. Just like me.
"You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun, that you can with just a kind word." - Al Capone
My official post number 1000 was "The whole battle?"
My official post number 1000 was "The whole battle?"
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pesgores - forum disapproval celebrity
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by Arkbrik » Sat Feb 14, 2009 8:19 am
I read the whole story, took me just five minutes. I liked it. For a bit of constructive criticism, for small numbers such as in "3 days" or 5 minutes" you should write the number in letters, ie "three days", "five minutes". Keep up the good work!
Remus: Harry... I'm a werewolf.
Harry: Are you fucking serious?
Remus: Well yes, but I don't see how that applies here.
Harry: Are you fucking serious?
Remus: Well yes, but I don't see how that applies here.
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Arkbrik - sudan hussian
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by Ross_Varn » Sat Feb 14, 2009 1:21 pm
I read it in about two minutes.
-WARNING: SCATHING CRITICISM FOLLOWS-
Seriously? It reads like a cheap reject from a pulp. Doesn't mean it can't be made good though. It needs a bit of fleshing out. Some of the sentences read strangely. It has potential though... if this is a first draft, then the final should be pretty good.
-WARNING: SCATHING CRITICISM FOLLOWS-
Seriously? It reads like a cheap reject from a pulp. Doesn't mean it can't be made good though. It needs a bit of fleshing out. Some of the sentences read strangely. It has potential though... if this is a first draft, then the final should be pretty good.
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Ross_Varn - knows how Warhead's arse feels
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