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Good short?

yes
3
38%
could use work
5
63%
no
0
No votes
 
Total votes : 8

Latent Poison (RD)

Postby vulcant13 » Wed Feb 11, 2009 9:20 pm

taken out so turnitin.com doesn't think i plagiarize myself >_>
thanks for the reviews
Last edited by vulcant13 on Mon Feb 23, 2009 4:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby pesgores » Thu Feb 12, 2009 2:41 pm

I was going to read it, thinking it only had a paragraph, and then scrolled down and saw lots of paragraphs.

I would read it, though I don't have much time right now. Maybe later.
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Postby Warhead » Thu Feb 12, 2009 3:47 pm

Wow, great critique pesgores. The amount of times you see revues about shows or books that go...

"Ah well, I would have read/watched it but I couldn't be arse quite frankly. Stayed home and played navel fluff hockey instead..."

Or

"It's a bit long."

:roll:

vulcant13, I'm no expert and you don't know me so not sure you want my constructive criticism but is it meant to read like an old style fem-fatal/gum shoe type novel/movie. If so you need to make it a little grittier IMO, even if they are well to do. Also you don't have to describe everything going on like Bonn-o-Tron. Allow the reader to assume. The readers imagination will fill in the blanks and it will shorten your writing.

The investigator watched curiously as she walked over to the entry table and to her purse. His expression changed to surprise when she pulled a revolver from the confines of her purse.


Try...
She walked to the table where her purse rested. His expression changed to surprise at the revolver she produced from within.

...you get the idea.

Hope this helps. Keep up the good work and the more practice the better the results.
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Postby tahthing » Thu Feb 12, 2009 8:04 pm

wow bit long.
make it shorter i really can't be asked to read it.
ill hapily read a large book but on the internet i think diffrent.
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Postby pesgores » Sat Feb 14, 2009 5:01 am

tahthing wrote:wow bit long.
make it shorter i really can't be asked to read it.
ill hapily read a large book but on the internet i think diffrent.


Yep. Just like me.
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Postby Warhead » Sat Feb 14, 2009 5:38 am

LOL! Yes, yes you'll never lack for company... what's that prove?..

I'm so fishing and you are so biting right now. :wink:
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Postby Arkbrik » Sat Feb 14, 2009 8:19 am

I read the whole story, took me just five minutes. I liked it. For a bit of constructive criticism, for small numbers such as in "3 days" or 5 minutes" you should write the number in letters, ie "three days", "five minutes". Keep up the good work!
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Postby Ross_Varn » Sat Feb 14, 2009 1:21 pm

I read it in about two minutes.

-WARNING: SCATHING CRITICISM FOLLOWS-

Seriously? It reads like a cheap reject from a pulp. Doesn't mean it can't be made good though. It needs a bit of fleshing out. Some of the sentences read strangely. It has potential though... if this is a first draft, then the final should be pretty good.
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