The zombie attack

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Postby Silent-sigfig » Thu Aug 26, 2010 3:24 pm

stubby wrote:Okay so here's the anal birthday story. One day one of our horses was giving birth, BUT... the foal's hooves tore through the internal lining. (I'm surprised that doesn't happen more often, those little hooves are sharp.) So he ended up taking the wrong exit off the expressway, so to speak.

Anyway, a horse's anus is not designed for pooping out babies (which is why we have goatse and not horsese), so my poor mom had to go up in there elbows-deep and position the head and hooves for departure. I'll leave most of that to your imagination I guess, but it was grueling and bloody.

Eventually the foal was successfully anal-birthed and the mother mare cleaned it and nursed it and nuzzled it and did all the normal things that dams do when they're not bleeding to death out of their own buttholes, except in this case of course she was bleeding to death out her own butthole and died within the hour. Also I guess there was a lot more poopoo involved in licking the baby clean than would be the normal case, so that probably also sucked, but horseshit really isn't that bad compared to most other animals, so silver lining I guess.

So after that it was a matter of consoling a very sad girl who did not appreciate jokes about trading an old horse in for a newer model, and keeping the baby warm and fed for the next week or two until it could start taking care of itself and then it did just fine.

Ha ha I just remembered, I had forgotten about this completely, but I was driving the girl around in my truck either the next day or the day after, she was still pretty broken up and I turned on the radio to try and take her mind off things, and I kept switching stations, but EVERY SINGLE SONG was about betting on the wrong horse, or losing a horse, or a horse dying. Like can you even think of a single song about any one of those things? Me neither, but the radio was posessed or something that day. and before you ask, no I don't listen to any country stations, which made it even less likely. It was like "whoops uncomfortable," "whoops MORE uncomfortable," "OH SHIT WHAT THE FUCK"

Anyway so that's the anal birthday story. And everyone lived happpily ever after, except the ones who were dead, the end.


Is that how babies are made?
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Silent-sigfig wrote: :dog:

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Postby aoffan23 » Thu Aug 26, 2010 4:30 pm

Babies are made from kits sold at Sears.
Last edited by aoffan23 on Thu Aug 26, 2010 4:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Quantumsurfer wrote:I generally agree with Tzan
Warhead wrote:I agree with QuantumSmurfer.



I agree with Warhead.
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Postby stubby » Thu Aug 26, 2010 4:57 pm

Warhead wrote:Image

Stupid Horse, why'd you have to die!

Now I'm disappointed in myself. All the times I've had to deal with dead horses, it never occurred to me to beat one. Next time!
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Postby Warhead » Thu Aug 26, 2010 5:19 pm

Silverdream wrote:I was a special at kmart. Almost as good but very very cheap. That's what warhead said.


I said your mom was a quickie at Kmart, and if I said special I meant the other kind that gets the short bus.

@Stubby: I think everyone should have the chance to dispose of a dead horse. At least once in their lives. I heard somewhere they used to stitch prisoners tied up in the belly of a dead horse and leave them to rot... or so Siouxsie and the Banshees once told me.
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Postby stubby » Fri Aug 27, 2010 3:28 pm

Warhead wrote:@Stubby: I think everyone should have the chance to dispose of a dead horse. At least once in their lives. I heard somewhere they used to stitch prisoners tied up in the belly of a dead horse and leave them to rot... or so Siouxsie and the Banshees once told me.

Most dead horses get sent out to the glue and dog food factories, but the coolest disposal method is to send them out to the shark trawlers. If you're trying to catch sharks, the best way is to drag a dead horse carcass behind your boat. They love that stuff.
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Postby Warhead » Fri Aug 27, 2010 3:42 pm

It's always struck me as a little odd that sharks seem to have a liking for land based critters while many humans are keen on seafood, what is this shit! My new lifes ambition is to steal a horse and hire a boat to drag it out to sea with, I want to see what happens.
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Postby Keldoclock » Fri Aug 27, 2010 4:36 pm

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stubby wrote:omg noob, balrogs are maiars too, don't you know anything
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Postby jmatthew » Fri Aug 27, 2010 4:56 pm

Warhead wrote:It's always struck me as a little odd that sharks seem to have a liking for land based critters while many humans are keen on seafood, what is this shit! My new lifes ambition is to steal a horse and hire a boat to drag it out to sea with, I want to see what happens.


Sharks really just have a liking for anything spewing copious amounts of blood in their wake. Hell, sharks like anything that gets a paper cut and drops a single blood cell in the water. They smell that shit from their underwater cities and go fuckin' apeshit.
Most of the shark attacks involving humans involve surfers. Authorities say it's because surfers look too much like a seal swimming above them, and sharks are batty for seal meat.
My expert opinion though is that sharks are so fucking angry that they can't go surfing because they lack the required appendages to stand on a board, and, as we all know, a shark hates seeing other people having fun when it can't, so, I mean, what else CAN it do but fuckin' take a chunk of that damn surfer's shoulder out? I mean FUCK. That guy was basically taunting the shark with how much fun he was having and the shark is too awesome to put up with that shit.

I'm done.

[edit: typo'd]
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Postby Warhead » Fri Aug 27, 2010 5:59 pm

H'mm, so they are all angry teenage Russian kid shark mutations?.. Professor Sharkhead has a lot to answer for.
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Postby jmatthew » Fri Aug 27, 2010 6:07 pm

Yeah, but the good ol' Prof HAS legs, so he's really not involved in any of this. In fact, I hear normal sharks hate him because he goes surfing at his beach villa in California every few weekends, and then gloats about it to his normal shark underlings. He's kind of a douchebag like that.
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Postby Lt. Krus » Fri Aug 27, 2010 7:47 pm

Meh, no suprise.
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Postby Silent-sigfig » Fri Aug 27, 2010 8:55 pm

New ways to stop Prof. Sharkhead:

6: Acquire dead horse.
7: Put bomb on horse.
8: Leave outside evulSharkLair.
9: Prof. Sharkhead tries to eat horse.
10: The end.
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Postby aoffan23 » Fri Aug 27, 2010 9:46 pm

Stone Gossard (the quitarist for Pearl Jam) said years ago that when he dies, instead of being cremated or buried, he wants to have his body frozen, then thawed, and thrown out to the sharks. :house:
Tzan wrote:
Quantumsurfer wrote:I generally agree with Tzan
Warhead wrote:I agree with QuantumSmurfer.



I agree with Warhead.
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Postby Pvt Expendable » Sat Aug 28, 2010 10:02 am

why would the sharks want to eat a drugged up bum?

is it gonna be like eating jerked lamb?

tastes weitrd and is all fucked up
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Postby Silent-sigfig » Sat Aug 28, 2010 11:09 pm

Silverdream wrote:After you kill him will his clone find out about your trick?


They're sharks. They still won't care. Because they're sharks.
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