The conquest of Dagskar fort, the rise of a sphincter PT. 1

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The conquest of Dagskar fort, the rise of a sphincter PT. 1

Postby heavyfishcannon » Wed Aug 22, 2012 3:28 pm

The planet of Argond was a world little more advanced than planets such as Medivo. The planet was dragged kicking and screaming into the space age when the AN landed on the planet. The feudal resistance was too strong for the under-staffed AN forces, and many off world mercenaries where introduced to the planet. Eventually, an uneasy and entirely distasteful peace was reached among the peoples of Agrond.

That all changes today, when a warhead sphincter and his band of immortal deserters arrive on the planet.
Spoilered for those who just want to skip to the battle. Even though the objective will just be scary if you don't read the back story. with the back story, it just comes off as childishinstead of creepy.
Spoiler: show
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Warhead: right, so now that we are finally on this rock, we shall begin our glorious conquest. First order of bossiness: Where does this planet keep it's moms?
Bob the Terrorkhan: My lord, the location is...
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Viktii (In the armor): Lord Warhead! Finally you are here! Your loyal subjects are here!
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Warhead: :wtc: Bob, the hell are these guys?
Bob: the local fraternity, my lord. They seem to be under the misapprehension that they are your children.
Warhead: :? uhm... quite. As your >Ahem< lord, I request that you leave us alone for a while.
Viktii: Of course, my lord! (leaves)
Warhead: right, now that they are gone,b about those moms...
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Warhead: Charge!!! Last one alive gets extra beer! :studgod:
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Viktii: Lord Warhead! Lord Warhead, we are here to fight in your honor!
Warhead: Not right now! I'm kind of bu...
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Warhead: Son of a bitch!!!
Viktii: My lord, you are hurt!
Warhead: No Shit!, now go out and fight before I regret not killing you!
Viktii: Of course, my kind and generous lord!
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Warhead: you know Bob, Even after getting shot in the face, this is still worth it.
Bob: Yes my lord, I'm sure it is. You ever consider letting the troops in the mom chamber at some point? it would be good for the umm... the morale, if you know what I mean. :warhead:
Warhead : I'm going to go with...
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Viktii: Lord warhea...
Warhead: Goddamn it! Stop interrupting me you little shit!
Viktii: but Lord my men an I need to do your bidding! We simply must!
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Viktii: Please My lord!
Warhead: You know what, I actually do have a job for you. :twisted: You see that man over there? He is my most trusted lieutenant, as you know.
Viktii: Why yes, of course my lord!
Warhead: Well, as a kind and benevolent leader, I look out for my troops. And you see my friend Bob hear has a... Problem.
Bob: :?
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Warhead: now, it's all well and good to have a fetish, but Bob here is into something so kinky, he can't get off to anything but dinosaur pr0n...
Bob: :shock:
Viktii: Why, you need say no more my lord! I will go find you some dinosaur pr0n, Bob!
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Viktii: and I know just the place to find it!
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Bob: With all due respect, my lord, but :wtc:?!?
Warhead: :shock: should I be worried that he knew where to find some dinosaur pr0n on this medi-evuul world?
Bob: I better get access to the mom chambers for this!
Warhead: Huh? what? uhm... shure whatever...


Alright, and now for the actual battle! some things of note:
6: this is our first battle to be in the larger Brikverse, and it's story line
7: This is our first battle to use the Allmighty Benny rules, and I must say, coming up with on-the-fly awards really adds humor and camaraderie between players, keeping tension low and games light hearted. Good job with that rule, Stubbhawk!

So, let's begin!
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Gagskar fort itself. Built by the indigenous hobgoblins, they where relocated by the AN, allowing them to occupy the castle.
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here we see the rag-tag band of feudal soldiers, AN personnel, mercenaries, and two lite-side knights, there to help the transition from primitive weapons to SCI-FI weapons. Also present is the ninja master, leader of the Norwegian ninjas, his kunoichi wife, And dark lord Vladtronn the typically trustable (He and the master are heroes.)
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There are also some Crew members of the Nukalavee on shore leave, as well as a sniper.
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There is also a bunker, with two men with heavy machine guns. As well as another hero, rocket man Jones.
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A mercenary snub fighter, piloted by a psychotic mercenary with his lethal injection bazooka.
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And my army, a bunch of the sons of Warhead, rouge Mercs, and the hobgoblin phalanx.
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The Trolomancer, one of my heroes, with the ability to use dark magic.
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Bloodknight Snaggrot, the hobgoblin commander, who is so sure in his own manliness that he goes to war under a baby blue banner. :P
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The Master's ex girlfriend astride her trained Pterodactyl. Next to her is her ninja trainee/ meckhanik.
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Viktii, the sons of warhead, and two maniacs aboard a looted AN scout Shuttle.
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Lord Sharq and his ATV riding Vassals.
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The first almighty Benny is awarded to my opponent, it is the 2X4 of bringing the measuring implement (Can you guess how he obtained it?)
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My army, ready for a siege.
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My foe's fort, ready to be besieged.
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Using his extensive spetsnaz training, and my special FX, Snaggrot's little PWNie takes out a giant ax...
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does a double backflip...
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and cleanly bisects an AN accountant.
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Earning me the bleeding Chainsaw of first blood.
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But my little PWNy isn't the only one who can harness my incredible Special FX budget!
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Me: Swish! Clang! Thud! Smack!
Opponent: uhmm... You gonna be okay?
Me: oh, uhm sure... Where where we?
Opponent: just give me the fig, numbskull.
Me: Hey, At least roll the dice, asshole
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Opponent: okay... Crap.
The Viking gets caught on the baby blue banner.
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And falls painfully on the floor.
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Vikings aren't the only ones flubbling their skill rolls, as a hobgoblin performs a self amputation from a malfunctioning M41 pulse rifle. Blasted newfangled Technology!
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Thankfully not all hobgoblins are incompetent, and they mow down another AN spear man. I knock over another legionaire with my hand, and forget to put him back up for the photo. :roll:
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When the above oversight was pointed out, I tried to rationalize it, but failed to make any points, and in short order I begin to spout gibberish, Causing my opponent to have this reaction :| in order to save face a then happily proclaim That's how I sound with a mouth full of crabs! Amazed at my ability to recreate the lyrics of this scene, my opponent gave me The target of crab mouthed glee.
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The master uses his ninja powers to kill the PWNie while the players where distracted. :cry: So long, PWNie, may you conquer Equestria with your Hatchet throwing skills. :studgod:
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The Trolomancer tries to use his dark magic to send the Master to the dark realm of a mullion flaming snuggles, but he accidentaly turns the Hobgoblin's arm into a snake instead. It doesn't even bite anything!
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Jetpack Jones flies over to the Deadpool copter...
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So he can sneak up on a ninja :owned:
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But one does not simply sneak up on a ninja! :twisted:
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:evil: :owned: :boss: The ninja Critfails his attack.
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The mercenary Snubfighter shoots in and steals the Wrench.
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The Merc then shots the Wrench into a window.
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Dr. Piggy launches a grappling hook!
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:? Probibly shouldn't have skipped the aerodynamics classes, Piggy!
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It's a good thing the heavy weapons guy is a physics major!
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Finally some success!
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Uhm, mr. rifleman, what are you doing up there?
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>Boot< :no:
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On the plus side, the grappling hook didn't go too far, and it brains the sniper.
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My opponent gains the Bo Shudda Benny of friendly fire counter sniping.
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The Snub fighter and an alligators upper jaw take flight! Which is strange, since the merc didn't turn any hover features on yet...
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[Demoman voice]Ka-Boom![/Demoman voice]
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That fort isn't looking too good...
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Deadpool decides to give the whole kamikaze thing a shot too.
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With his own little twist, of course!
Deadpool: Look ma, no hands!
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AN Troop: :shock: :byzero:
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The wall is obliterated, but the AN grunts miraculously survive!
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Have no fear! The engineer is here!
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:son: a wimpy Tesla sentry is set up.
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Doctor Piggy launches himself at one of the legionaries! (taking all the credit from the heavy weapon guy's acchievment, of course.)
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Deadpool and the deadites make way to the machine gun nest.
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Deadpool spots the sentry, and engages Spycrab mode!
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(For best effect, hum "in the hall of the mountain king")
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Of course, with all that set up, deadpool just has to whiff :? .
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Lord Sharq Takes this time to devour the master in a spray of over gratuitous blood effects!
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Using the last of his ninja abilities, the Master crawls feebly and bleeds out.
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The viking finally wakes up from his concussion...
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And he pries the head off of lord Sharq!
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Using his troll magic, the Trolomancer allows the squad to use their base plate to better traverse the steep incline!
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The heavy machine gun responds by obliterating a deadite.
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The Dark Siders decide now it the time to execute Jetpack Jones.
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But Jones is too fast, and he jets on top of the Awesomesaurus!
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and he makes short work of the demoman. The alien, realizing he's next, decides to make the ultimate sacrifice. opening a secret hatch in the Awesomesaurus, he pushes the self destruct button!
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Alien: Allahlalaalalalalalalalalalalalala...
Jetpack Jones: :byzero:
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It's a good thing I roll really poorly when I get Melodramatic! :P
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Jetpack Jones uses the added momentum to bisect the Alien!
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Before suddenly breaking in half when I add my Bennies to the damage roll!
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Heavy weapons guy: Don't worry, I'm a professional, and I have no idea what I'm doing!
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ET the extraterrestrial...
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The power of love makes the Awesomesaurus's head blow up the Dino pr0n containment tower! :csi:
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Dr. Piggy ignites the spilled gasoline by the snub fighter...
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BOOOOOOM! Dr. Piggy, a legionaire, and the Liteside master all go up in a massive fireball!
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The pasty Norwegian ninja takes his claymore and attack General uglyface!
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At this point, it becomes obvious this are of the battle field is under a voodoo curse in which no minifig can simply die.
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Since I guess they finished their coffee break, the sons of Warhead embark.
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One of the maniacs leaps out and goes for the creaky old veteran!
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Who is sliced right down the middle!
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The old knight decides that desperate times call for desperate measures, and he steals two syringes to inject into the engineer.
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whose lower body turns into a giant lizard head.
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Deadpool is not amused with the mad scientist.
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the engineer grafts his ass back onto the awesomesaurs' legs.
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The Viking skewers the steampunk pirate maniac.
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The battleax maniac goes after the viking...
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And he breaks off his own arm, losing his namesake ax.
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The mechasaurus rears up to smash the late Lord Sharq's ATV, but fails to destroy it.
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Viktii jumps on top of the abomination.
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The engineer is bisected (lending more evidence to my voodoo curse theory.)
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undeterred by the lock of arm or ax, The maniac hereafter known a Robert picks up the dead veteran and attempts to beat the viking to death with his corpse.
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The viking responds by killing the newly christened Robert.
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Deadpool attacks the Litesider padawan, who deflects Deadpool's blade...
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But completely forgets about Deadpool's other blade! :protip:
Dark Helmet wrote: Evil always wins because good is dumb

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The Scout ship hovers over...
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The ship docks...
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And the dinosaur pr0n is taken! Victory for the Immortals!

Story time! (no pics of this)
Spoiler: show
As the victorious immortals leave with the pr0n, their Enemies sit baffled in the ruined necropolis that had once been Dagskar fort. As Dark lord Vladtronn stares at the smoking ruins, which they had been tasked to defend, and but one sentance left his awed mouth. "Dafuq just happened?"
"there are no bystanders in the battle for survival. anyone who will not fight by your side is an enemy you must crush"
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Re: The conquest of Dagskar fort, the rise of a sphincter PT.

Postby heavyfishcannon » Wed Aug 22, 2012 4:00 pm

Concluding the story. disregard if you are just here for the battle.
Spoiler: show
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Bob: You know Lord warhead, do you ever wonder where those Frat house turds went?
Warhead: Who?
Bob: You know know, the "kids"
Warhead: oh, them? Yes, as a matter of fact, I've been trying to stifle those memories, thank you very much.
Viktii(faintly): Lord Warhead! Lord Warhead!
Warhead: :?
Bob: Are you going to be okay sir? Look I'm sorry if those where bad memories but...
Warhead: No, no, it's just I swear I heard...
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Viktii: Lord Warhead! We found the dinosaur pr0n for you!
Warhead: :shock: :wtc:
Bob (whispering):You know, the trick that was supposed to get rid of them?
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Viktii: See! this is the loyal man who got the pr0n for Bob!
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Warhead >ew< Right, congradulations and stuff, uh, why don't you go help yourself to one of our complimentary hookers!
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Warhead: right down this hallway, third door to the left.
Son of warhead: Yay! You are a kind and noble lord indeed, Warhead!
Warhead: Viktii, you did a good job too, why don't you follow him!
Viktii: My lord I am honored...
Warhead: yeah, yeah yeah, just get going!
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Viktii and son of warhead: I knew this would pay off!
Bob: Uhmm... Sir...
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Warhead: yes?
Bob: Sir, the hookers where down the other way...
Warhead: oh, they where, my bad. Where did they go instead?
Bob: My lord, that would be the STD Containment room...
Warhead: :twisted: Oh! Is it? My bad. :roll:
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Warhead right, night Bob, i'm going to retire to the mom chambers for the night.
Bob: Right, goodnight, sir.
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Bob: Man that is a sexy pterodactyl...
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>fap<>fap<>fap<>fap<>fap<


Thanks for reading! And be on the lookout for part 2 in the forum battles section!
"there are no bystanders in the battle for survival. anyone who will not fight by your side is an enemy you must crush"
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Re: The conquest of Dagskar fort, the rise of a sphincter PT.

Postby Silverdream » Wed Aug 22, 2012 4:04 pm

Very badass.
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Spoiler: show
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Re: The conquest of Dagskar fort, the rise of a sphincter PT.

Postby Xenoman » Wed Aug 22, 2012 4:32 pm

Oh, man, both the battle and the story really made my day. Thanks for letting us have a looksie!
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Re: The conquest of Dagskar fort, the rise of a sphincter PT.

Postby Zupponn » Wed Aug 22, 2012 11:45 pm

Oh man, this was great! The whole thing was completely Brikwars. :studgod:
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Re: The conquest of Dagskar fort, the rise of a sphincter PT.

Postby Killer Karetsu » Thu Aug 23, 2012 8:12 am

opening a secret hatch in the Awesomesaurus, he pushes the self destruct button!


:shock: :o :D 8)
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Re: The conquest of Dagskar fort, the rise of a sphincter PT.

Postby Predator » Sat Aug 25, 2012 1:46 am

That is awesome, and I will be using similiar Pwnie rules from now on for my cavalry. :ftw:
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