Kratos, God of War, has been stripped of his divine rank. The other Divines believed he was taking the whole "war" thing much too seriously, and his tendency to go on rampages and try to slaughter them didn't exactly endear them to him. In hopes of doing the job properly this time, and maybe even stopping him coming back and beating the crap out of them later, they decided to fill his place in the pantheon.
The Divines host a battle royale, as is fitting for the God of War's replacement. All mortals are welcome. The contest is held on the Platform of the Chronicler, a pocket dimension that is only vaguely connected to typical Legopian reality. Death here simply means being shunted out of the dimension. The winner will become a Divine.
Each side of the Platform has a Teleporter going between the top and bottom.
Eight heroes ready themselves for free-for-all combat. The rest of Legopia has better things to do.
Captain Style's childhood hero, Captain Awesome wields a giant laser crossbow, and uses it to devastating effect.
The Azure Knight
A chivalrous Mecha who believes that Mecha are under-represented among the Divines. He fights with a shoulder-mounted cannon, in addition to his lance and shield. He is assisted by two Machines-at-Arms.
The Dark Knight Piltogg
"Maybe the spike is a bit much?"
A skilled melee combatant continuing the trend of absurdly large weapons. He's backed up by three archers.
Piltogg's Puppy Pen is the source of his power. Some of the more morbid Divines granted him incredibly versatile supernatural powers, but require puppies for fuel. Piltogg brought three with him onto the Platform.
The L-Virus has been flourishing after the Ribannald outbreak. Due to its unique nature, it mutates much quicker than other zombie viruses. The Tank, the result of a newer L-Virus strain, is intrigued by the concept of demanding brain sacrifices. Five normal Zombies fight with him.
"Honestly, you'd think this universe was
made for hurting things."
A dedicated healer, White Mage is ready to work on a larger scale than her current strength allows. Her partner-in-adventuring, Fighter, has accompanied her to the Platform.
"It was nothing, really."
The precursor to the Connected Bricks of Legopia's Gatling Drill Walker. It contains four guns, and an ejectable cockpit with a highly skilled pilot inside.
Evil Castle Wizard
A powerful Frost Mage with an ace up his sleeve.
"WHO DARES SUMMON-Oh. Already dead? Lucky."
A sadistic fairy. She's adept in multiple schools of magic, and can produce staggeringly powerful effects when given a chance to mix them together. An armored golem is her first line of defense.
Turn 1: Moonwalker
The Moonwalker's pilot calls White Mage, Captain Awesome, and the Azure Knight to a huddle. After some discussion, they agree to band together against the other competitors. After those nasties were dealt with, they could work out the prize like civilized people. Thus, the Forces of Good were born. Their name was quickly changed to the Forces of Light once they realised that White Mage was the only "good" one there.
The four remaining heroes, seeing their chances of winning plummet, meet on the other side of the map. The Tank and his minions are restrained while they talk. They all trust each-other about as easily as they can kill each-other, but working together beats being torn apart while they fight among themselves. Until it's safe enough to get down to backstabbing, they agree to fight as the Forces of Darkness.
Turn 1: Forces of Darkness
Demonic Tinkerbell and her Pixie Dust-filled golem take to the air above the Platform, with the Wizard following on foot. Piltogg sacrifices a puppy to shatter the Moonwalker's windshield, but flubs the spell.
Turn 1: Forces of Light
Captain Awesome blasts Demonic Tinkerbell's golem to the ground.
The Moonwalker kills one of Piltogg's archers as pre-emptive payback. White Mage and Fighter advance along the Plaform's edge. The Azure Knight slips around behind the Great Portal.
Turn 2: Forces of Darkness
Piltogg sacrifices another puppy to launch himself into the air, then smashes the windshield more traditionally. He pins the Pilot to the ground.
Fighter's horse sidesteps a swing from the Infected Tank.
The Wizard binds a Frost Spirit to the destroyed Golem and rolls it off the cliff. It just misses the Azure Knight, and shatters on the ground.
Demonic Tinkerbell rushes Captain Awesome before he can get another shot off. Captain Awesome dives for the teleporter, appearing safely on the Lower Platform. He attempts an Awesome Spell to teleport his hat back to him, but fails.
Turn 2: Forces of Light
Fighter charges into the throng of zombies, sword-chucks swinging. His martial prowess is no match for the uselessness of his weapon, and he only manages to injure himself. Two zombies are still trampled, but the others manage to infect Fighter before the horse pulls him clear.
White Mage follows fighter through the zombies, curing his infection and "healing" the remaining zombies to death.
The Azure Knight activates its turbo boosters, smashing the Puppy Pen! The last puppy is saved! (I guess I forgot to shrink that image; sorry.) The Pen's guard dives for safety.
Turn 3: Forces of Darkness
Piltogg finally manages to kill the Moonwalker's pilot. Demonic Tinkerbell follows Captain Awesome and sends him flying to the back of the Moonwalker with a Force Lightning spell. He is stunned.
The archer atop the Repository of Wealth takes a shot at Fighter; it just tinks off his armor.
But wait! Something strange is happening to the Moonwalker's Water Tank.
The Moonwalker can, in fact, be used as a home on other planets. Its engineers realised it wouldn't be doing a lot of this during the war, though, and built its water tank with a secondary use...
...As a pokeball. Snorlax is freed.
Unfortunately for Captian Awesome, Snorlax slept through the strategy meeting. He bellyflops the Captain, finishing him off.
The Wizard sees he's left without an opponent. The time has come to find one farther away.
The Wizard transforms into a dragon and rushes the Azure Knight!
The Azure Knight mangles its wing with a cannon shot, forcing the Dragon to land. The Dragon retaliates with fire breath, but can't melt the Knight's armor. If you're going to build a giant robot knight, you've got to make it dragonproof.
Captain Awesome's spell finally comes into effect. His hat is teleported above him for him to catch dramatically. In this case, this means it lands on Snorlax's head.
The Tank pounces White Mage's horse, wounding it. She bails out and hits the Tank with her strongest Cure spell. Unfortunately, the Tank isn't undead in the traditional sense, so the spell fails to damage it.
Turn 3: Forces of Light
Fighter leaps on the Tank's back and starts strangling it with his sword-chucks. The Azure Knight is locked in combat with the Dragon.
Turn 4: Forces of Darkness
The tank hurls Fighter off of the platform. Piltogg hops off of the Moonwalker to aid the Dragon and Tank.
The Puppy Pen's guard takes a look around and decides to stay down.
Snorlax struggles to climb on top of the Moonwalker.
The Archer isn't even going to bother firing. He's spent this entire battle either out of everything's range or watching his shots fail completely.
Turn 4: Forces of Light
White Mage blinds the Tank with a Flash spell and, while it's vulnerable...
...Heals her horse.
The horse rushes the blinded Tank, knocking it off of the Platform.
The Azure Knight deals the Dragon a nasty blow with its Lance, but fails to kill it.
The Machines-of-Arms finally arrive to help fight the Dragon.
Turn 5: Forces of Darkness
Snorlax climbs to the Moonwalker's controls. He changes the Moonwalker's angle slightly, and then presses the Eject button.
The Moonwalker's cockpit launches itself right into Piltogg, killing him.
The Dragon headbutts the Azure Knight off of the Platform.
Demonic Tinkerbell flies to the Archer and lays every enchantment she can muster on his current bolt. She observes that the Dragon is liable to kill the Archer's last teammate (the cowering Guard) if something isn't done.
The Archer fires his bolt right through the Dragon's head! It survives, but is crippled enough to make continuing in dragon form a waste of time. He returns to Wizard form.
Turn 5: Forces of Light
White Mage turns to attack the supernaturally-spent Demonic Tinkerbell, but she sinks below the Repository of Wealth before White Mage can get a spell off.
Turn 5: Snorlax
Snorlax peers down from on top of the Moonwalker's cockpit. He could probably score another kill by bellyflopping White Mage. On the other hand, White Mage had always been nice to him. Really, she was nice to everybody. Killing nice people is kinda mean.
Snorlax tears off one of the Cockpit's wings and throws it at the Archer, bisecting him.
Turn 6: Wizard
The Wizard casts one of his mightiest spells, causing spikes of ice to burst from him and impale nearby enemies. Unfortunately, the chaotic nature of spellcasting did not work in his favor. The resulting spikes are much too small and much too few to accomplish much of anything.
Turn 6: Forces of Light
The Machines-at-Arms kill the Wizard.
Turn 7: Demonic Tinkerbell
Demonic Tinkerbell bursts from hiding and attacks White Mage. They both begin counterspelling each-other mercilessly.
Turn 7: Snorlax
Hey, that lady is obviously evil. It would be hard for Snorlax to bellyflop her without hitting White Mage, though, even if she didn't dodge.
Snorlax tears off one of the Cockpit's laser cannons, bringing it to bear against Demonic Tinkerbell.
Demonic Tinkerbell is slain.
White Mage, realising that Snorlax would make a decently benevolent god (and that he could beat her to a pulp without much trouble), concedes the match. If he does end up doing anything, she can't imagine it would be very evil. And, besides, the Divines did want someone more laid-back.
Snorlax has become a god.
1 Archer (playing dead)
The Nth Legopian War
Battle 1: Battle of the Non-Descript Plains
Battle 2: Battle of the Unnecessary Wall
Battle 3: Outbreak at Ribannald
Filler 1: Capture the Princess
Filler 2: Battle for Ascention
Filler 3: Legopia versus the Saturnalia Spirit
-When White Mage and Demonic Tinkerbell attack each-other with full SP (which, apparantly, they do. A lot), we settle the results with Heroic Feat-spamming. In this case, there were three rolls, all of which were a tie. More support for my "The Dice Gods serve Theatrics" theory, since the odds of Snorlax winning were about a million to one.
-This battle seemed to have a curse on attack spells. Of five spells set to deal 4d6 or 5d6 damage, only one actually got past the armor. That's not even including the draws between White Mage and Demonic Tinkerbell.
-What are you talking about? Even Neenja can't just hop between dimensions for a cameo's sake. He was on the Moonwalker during its introduction
-Not only did this battle include lesser video game references, like they always do, but this entire battle was a reference to a certain computer game. Guess which one.
-I had to force myself not to make a "And thus, the big 3 monotheisms were born" joke at the end.
-There were two reasons I did this filler before finishing off the Graduation ark. One was that I would need Bricklink to properly do any of the other Graduation battles, and I don't really have the money at the moment. The other is that this battle was topical.
-No sociopolitical statement was intended by Piltogg's portrayal in this battle. Supposedly, Piltogg loved puppies.
-If you haven't guessed, this battle took place on my desk. It started at night and ended in the early afternoon, and between those times I was totally unable to use my computer. In fact, for most of it, the Moonwalker was standing on the power button.