Mecha Hiitler Vs Churchill

Share your tales of battle and mayhem

Moderators: Zupponn, Killer Karetsu, Moronstudios

domminniti
Champion
Champion
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Dec 17, 2018 9:17 am

Mecha Hiitler Vs Churchill

Post by domminniti » Fri Apr 19, 2019 4:26 pm

My friend Ben is really into Lego and has recently build loads of WW2 stuff for his son. This is a battle we had recently - I've realised that Adolf's name is automatically changed in this forum - I apologise if this is not appropriate for the forum, but I've spent ages typing it out so I'm going to post it anyway. It's probably could be seen as disrespectful making light of WW2 like this, but I think making fun of "Hiitler" is funny, and reminds us of the stupidity of far right philosophy!

Background
The year is 1943. British intelligence has reported that Hiitler's WonderWaffe project has constructed him a Mecha-Hiitler, a 40-foot robot controllable only by the Fuehrer. It’s thought that it is a Mech so powerful that it will allow Hiitler to single handily break the stalemate in Russia and knock them out of the war.
Image
Image
The only hope is to kill Hiitler. Churchill, however, realises that a standard assassination would make him a martyr and only prolong the war, but if he personally bests him in single combat the spirit of the German army will break. Churchill gets his scientists to create a modified Churchill tank to allow this.
Image
Hiitler is making preparations for his birthday party as his favourite Chateau, deep in occupied France.
Image

Churchill, along with a unit of commandos and American Airborne troops have been inserted to take Hiitler out
Image
Image
Some commandos on the right, and some American troops on the left. The guy in a wheelchair is a veteran sergeant from our last battle who managed to do loads of damage despite losing three limbs.
Image
Airborne troops with their “Market Gardener” M1 Tactical Personel Insertion Platform (aka minifig launcher). We elected to manually fire the minifigs rather than use dice for extra fun.
“Men, Many of you today will die in a glorious explosion of gore as your soft human bodies are smashed at hundreds of miles an hour into cold hard masonry. Your deaths will not be in vain! Your guts and organs will land on the clothes of the enemy. Your blood will slowly start to corrode their ironmongery. Your agonising screams will start to really get on their nerves. They will be demoralised and submit to the Greatest Nation On Earth!”

Meanwhile, Hiitler is in his bedroom brushing his moustache and dictating his guest list for the party.
Image

Overwatch
Ben controls Hiitler and his guards, I control the Allies. All minifigs and designs are Ben’s apart from any secret factions that I usually bring along. Mecha Hiitler and the Churchill tank were built by Ben, but were designed by us both.
Image
My end
Image
Ben's end.
Image
Back of Chateau - Ground floor contains the table of maps and the phone to call in backup
Middle floor had balcony access
Top floor, The table is a really accurate scale model version of Ben’s other map, a D-Day French town, We’ve done one battle there but my phone ran out so no pics, but we’ll do another sometime. You’ll love that map – it has Renee’s café from Allo Allo in it. The yellow thing on the wall is a painting the allies want to steal

Objectives
Allies get points for
  • Killing Hilter (counts as 2 if Churchill kills him personally in a fair fight)
  • Capturing maps in the ground floor of the Chateau
  • Capturing the painting (of the fallen madonna with the big boobies) from the top floor of the chateau
Axis get points for completing decorations and preparations for the Fureher’s birthday – he will be furious if it’s nor perfect and attack by the allies will be no excuse!
  • Putting up the banner
  • Shining Mecha-Hiitler’s boots
  • Clearing the downstairs table
  • Anything else appropriate.
Axis minifigs start off unaware of the attack but may call in reinforcements using the telephone in the chateau.

Action
Rather than a turn by turn, I'm just going to highlight to ossum bits.

The first airborne troop hits himself on the helmet with his shovel a few times to psych himself up, shouts "USA" a few times, pulls this pin from his grendade and loads himself into the TPIP and is fired towards the balcony. He misses and splags his brain out on the side of the chateau patriotically. (sorry, no pic), and the grenade explodes harmlessley.

The allies charge forward and take the trench with minimal casualties.
Image

Meanwhile, the Germans pay careful attention to health and safety, and put up the banner, making sure to keep the base steady, maintaining 3 points of contact and a ladder angle of 75 degrees. This may be Brikwars, but there's no need to be too silly.
Image

All the grenades exploding and guns firing alert Hiitler’s Hitley-Sences. He attempts to jump magnificently out of the window towards his Mech. It doesn’t go white as planned and he ends up falling down behind an engine.
Image

Hiitler manages to make it to his Mech and turns its head to lock eyes with Churchill.
Image

Hiitler uses his FurhererBonker to bonk and destroys Churchill’s Tommy Gun.
Image

The second Airbourne soldier manages to land right on the balcony’s barrier and brings the shovel down on the machine gunner’s head with such force that his helmet is jammed through his head into his torso. His liquidised head gushes out the bottom. That allows the allied troops in the trench to make headway, as they were being pinned down.
Image

Image
On the left flank, a bren team have been making good progress and have killed 3 Germans, and ran right under Furher's mech.

They had been briefed that the small ball like nodule between the mech’s legs is a potential week spot and controls the hatch opening mechanism. This was known thanks to a spy capturing the 2nd fallback nodule for analysis by allied scientists in their secret lab beneath the Albert Hall. They concentrate fire on the ball, and manage to blow it clean off!
Image
The Mech reels in electronic pain, and the hatch blows right off exposing the dictator inside.
Image
Hiitler immediately blames this turn of events on General Heck (using scapegoating rules), who was just about to call in re-enforcements.
Image
Heck, realises that the general held responsible for losing Mecha-Hiitler’s last ball probably doesn’t have a very long life expectancy. He grabs the maps from the table and jumps out the window, hoping to surrender to the Americans.

Image
Overwatch

Meanwhile, the assistant machine gunner on the balcony pushed off the Airborne soldier and then kills 5 of the allies storming the house in one lethal burst.

The third airborne soldier misses the balcony but manages to grab the banner on the right side of the chateau, uses it to tarzans down to the balcony and swings his entrenching tool as a bat to knock the gunner’s head right out the park. Batter swing!
Image
Churchill, uses his cigar to set the mech on fire, then pops out the hood of his tank to take a shot at the now exposed Hiitler (killing your exposed enemy from the safety of your tank is just not cricket is it?)
Image
There is only a handful of soldiers left on either side now, but the allies seem to have the advantage. General Heck is close to handing himself into the Americans, and Mecha Hiitler is surrounded, on fire and gets a leg blown off by concentrated fire from the allies. Churchill just needs a lucky shot…
Image

Churchill dives out of the way of Hilters claw, onto the roof of the garage, all the while trying to shoot the Fureher with his trusty revolver and dodging grabs.
Image
But… All the sounds of battle have attracted…

Image
Ze French Resistance! "We av come to claim zis victory for France! People will know zat it was ze French people who liberated zemselves from Hiitler, with no help, zank you very much! Viva La France and De Gaul"

But from the other side of the map there appears…

Image
The Communist resistance! "We av also come to claim victory for ze French people. But also to take all zese weapons for ze coming revolution where ve rid our land from ze De Gaulist pig dogs! Check out our very modern but not anachronistic farming equipment, which we will use to feed ze people of France!"

The resistances charge at each other, bullets flying everywhere, and killing anyone who gets in their way.
Image
Overwatch.
Mecha Hiitler grabs Churchill, the allies try valiantly to stop him by trying to break off his arm but fail.
Image
Churchill tries to get off one last shot on Hiitler as he is being chomped on but misses. RIP Churchill.
Image

A French resistance fighter in a lawnmower chops off Mecha Hiitler’s last remaining leg, toppling him. Another throws his bottle into the cabin hoping it would explode in flames. He forgets he’s drinking wine, not brandy and this just extinguishes Hiitler. (sorry no photos)

Hiitler sees he’s caught in the crossfire by drunk French Freedom fighters. His mech is done for and the victors of this scuffle with capture him. They will probably make him eat garlic or snails - it doesn't bear thinking about.

He looks up at his birthday banner, and with a tear in his eyes sings
Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday herr Hiitler.
He cocks his luger
Happy birthday to, *sniff*, me.
Image
*Bang*

The rest is silence.


Aftermath
Her Heck turned himself into the last American paratrooper, but the last man was under strict orders to fire himself into the launcher, which made a very attractive splat on the side of the chateau. Her Heck Drove the TPIP wagon to Switzerland and ended up running a modestly successful sausage factory in Argentina.

Churchill's death was covered up and three children in a trenchcoat and a Homburg were sent to the Yalta Conference with a note from Churchill's mum saying he had a very bad throat so is not allowed to talk.

The De Gaul Resistance claimed that they killed Mecha Hiitler themselves with a really long baguette. They wrote a musical about it that went on to have great success in Broadway.

Notes
The scapegoating of the general, while losing the Germans a VP, was surprisingly effective. The Benny saved Hitlers skin loads of times and made sure he finished off Churchill. Without it, I think it would have been a roll for the Allies.
We called it a draw, as we usually do.
I really liked the Churchill special rule of really rubbish ker-triage. At one point I had three of four one limbed minfigs hopping to torso-butt the mech, or dragging themselves through the trench with their one good hand taking heroic pot shots with a revolver, or carrying each other in stupid ways. I like the idea of a minifig being inspired to chop off his own limbs to keep fighting.
The minifig launcher was a great success. Ben had powered it perfectly to reach the Chateau from the board edge.
We hadn't planned to end it with Piltogg shooting himself, but it was very apt!
Last edited by domminniti on Sat Apr 20, 2019 5:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
ninja_bait
I can make this man. I can let him touch the butt. I cannot promise his safety
I can make this man. I can let him touch the butt. I cannot promise his safety
Posts: 1354
Joined: Sun Oct 30, 2016 12:04 pm
Location: Now I'm in New York, making bacon pancakes

Re: Mecha Hiitler Vs Churchill

Post by ninja_bait » Fri Apr 19, 2019 7:59 pm

:wtc:
:<3:
:godwin:
:tiger:
I make apocalypses and apocalypse accessories.
ImageImageImage

User avatar
Craigallot
Forum Authority on Craigging Rights
Posts: 4901
Joined: Sun Aug 02, 2009 2:00 pm
Location: work work

Re: Mecha Hiitler Vs Churchill

Post by Craigallot » Sat Apr 20, 2019 4:01 am

LOL. This is one of the most glorious things I've seen on the forum in a long time. :godwin:

domminniti
Champion
Champion
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Dec 17, 2018 9:17 am

Re: Mecha Hiitler Vs Churchill

Post by domminniti » Sat Apr 20, 2019 4:52 am

This is the only photo we have of our previous battle on Ben's main map
Image

An allied dropship landed outside Cafe Renee to capture several objectives and prepare for D Day.


There was some great fighting and piled of bodies inside Cafe Renee.

The allies looked dominant so Tom Baker Doctor Poo came in his poodis to help the axis for some reason (Ben and I had a long debate as to whether Doctor Who would help the nazis, even in a universe where he was poo themed).

But then the Germans got lots of good rolls and I think they ended up winning.

I love Ben's model of Gruber's Little Tank. Its perfect! The last thing Gruber saw was the Americans finishing of Renee. It was heartbreaking.

User avatar
ninja_bait
I can make this man. I can let him touch the butt. I cannot promise his safety
I can make this man. I can let him touch the butt. I cannot promise his safety
Posts: 1354
Joined: Sun Oct 30, 2016 12:04 pm
Location: Now I'm in New York, making bacon pancakes

Re: Mecha Hiitler Vs Churchill

Post by ninja_bait » Sat Apr 20, 2019 6:23 am

Oh man Doctor Poo and the POODIS

Now that's the best thing I've seen on the forum ever.
I make apocalypses and apocalypse accessories.
ImageImageImage

domminniti
Champion
Champion
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Dec 17, 2018 9:17 am

Re: Mecha Hiitler Vs Churchill

Post by domminniti » Sat Apr 20, 2019 6:33 am

ninja_bait wrote:
Sat Apr 20, 2019 6:23 am
Oh man Doctor Poo and the POODIS

Now that's the best thing I've seen on the forum ever.
I think I might have seen that one on someone else's AAR. Either that or I saw a TARDIS made out of a modified portaloo and got inspired by that.

User avatar
sahasrahla
that is a fantastic question to which no satisfactory answer will be forthcoming
Posts: 683
Joined: Sat Feb 04, 2017 5:40 pm

Re: Mecha Hiitler Vs Churchill

Post by sahasrahla » Sat Apr 20, 2019 10:26 am

better than real history

User avatar
stubby
tl;dr: the rule of fudge is the entire rulebook
Posts: 5148
Joined: Sat Dec 29, 2007 8:31 pm

Re: Mecha Hiitler Vs Churchill

Post by stubby » Sun Apr 21, 2019 1:56 pm

The poodis? Not the turdis?

At some point I'm going to have to make official rules for Hitler, since there doesn't seem to be any way for wargamers to resist using him. I'm thinking something like the following:
Chapter !Z: Hitler
Hitler is a polarizing figure whose existence is a painful reminder to many Humans of literal torture and atrocities carried out on their families and loved ones, both in the recent past and continuing to the present day in his memory. For this reason, many lesser Humans take a special thrill in bringing him up as often as possible, and immediately shit their pants and start crying like babies if anyone asks them to quit being dicks.

Despite (or maybe because of) the inescapable association with Hitler-fans' pearl-clutching insistence on their God-given right to make everyone else watch their cringey pants-shitting show on repeat play, wargamers are fascinated with this historical failure and can't resist putting him in their battles. Therefore, with great reluctance, here are the rules for BrikWars Hitler.

There are only three appropriate flavors of Hitler in Brikwars: Danger 5 Hitler, Kung Fury Hitler, and Mecha-Hitler from Wolfenstein 3D. All other Hitlers are too edgelord to fit into a functional game experience.
All that being said, I laughed harder at this battle than any in probably years.
Natalya wrote:Wtf is going on in this thread?

User avatar
ninja_bait
I can make this man. I can let him touch the butt. I cannot promise his safety
I can make this man. I can let him touch the butt. I cannot promise his safety
Posts: 1354
Joined: Sun Oct 30, 2016 12:04 pm
Location: Now I'm in New York, making bacon pancakes

Re: Mecha Hiitler Vs Churchill

Post by ninja_bait » Sun Apr 21, 2019 3:50 pm

Need to include Lizard-People Piltogg from Iron Sky
I make apocalypses and apocalypse accessories.
ImageImageImage

User avatar
stubby
tl;dr: the rule of fudge is the entire rulebook
Posts: 5148
Joined: Sat Dec 29, 2007 8:31 pm

Re: Mecha Hiitler Vs Churchill

Post by stubby » Sun Apr 21, 2019 7:30 pm

And Axe Cop Piltogg. I'm going to need to make a chart of all these hitlers

Disallowed hitlers:

Vanilla Piltogg
Any Piltogg flavor starting with "If you look at history" or "well actually"
Superman: At Earth's End Piltogg
Anyone on Reddit, Piltogg or otherwise
Natalya wrote:Wtf is going on in this thread?

domminniti
Champion
Champion
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Dec 17, 2018 9:17 am

Re: Mecha Hiitler Vs Churchill

Post by domminniti » Mon Apr 22, 2019 4:15 am

stubby wrote:
Sun Apr 21, 2019 1:56 pm
All that being said, I laughed harder at this battle than any in probably years.
Thanks Mike.
Ben, the main creator of all the Lego in this has signed up and is waiting for approval.

User avatar
Tzan
Has anyone ever used those holes before?
Has anyone ever used those holes before?
Posts: 4625
Joined: Sun Dec 30, 2007 4:41 pm
Location: Boston

Re: Mecha Hiitler Vs Churchill

Post by Tzan » Mon Apr 22, 2019 11:54 am

Pretty sure I did a PARDIS remark many eons ago in a pile of now deleted posts.
It was hilarious at the time I swear.

User avatar
stubby
tl;dr: the rule of fudge is the entire rulebook
Posts: 5148
Joined: Sat Dec 29, 2007 8:31 pm

Re: Mecha Hiitler Vs Churchill

Post by stubby » Mon Apr 22, 2019 9:32 pm

domminniti wrote:
Mon Apr 22, 2019 4:15 am
Ben, the main creator of all the Lego in this has signed up and is waiting for approval.
I'm not seeing anybody in the approval queue, so either he's already approved or the anti-spam auto-deleted him for some reason.
Natalya wrote:Wtf is going on in this thread?

User avatar
Captain Ross
Demi-God of BrikWars
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Apr 19, 2019 4:44 pm

Re: Mecha Hiitler Vs Churchill

Post by Captain Ross » Tue Apr 23, 2019 12:08 pm

Hello everyone!
Sorry if the choice of German mech was offensive. I can assure you, we hate that evil Piltogg f*ck, and ALL actual Nazis. I thought ridiculing him was okay, but will certainly think twice before designing any future Dictator themed war machines. The Pol Pot-Shot, King Kong Jon-Un and the Stalinator will remain quickly thought up puns for this thread, and no more.

domminniti
Champion
Champion
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Dec 17, 2018 9:17 am

Re: Mecha Hiitler Vs Churchill

Post by domminniti » Wed Apr 24, 2019 1:22 pm

Nah, I want you to build a Stalin mech. We need something to fight the Uncle Sam mech!

Post Reply