MANLY TALES

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he MANLY TALES are a collection of, well, badass tales and stories from the forum, and can be used for sharing with compatriots at the local pub over a glass of 'the usual', with even the one-eyed bartender with a smoke and a shady rep listening, or teaching your young heir in the dark-wood paneled den or office, with a bear's snarling countenance above your head and the favored firearm mounted over a crackling fire.

Including narratives from(in order of appearence): Warhead, Mini-Warhead, Stubby, Natalya, Nitewatchman,Nitewatchman, Silverdream, Ross Varn, BFenix, Tzan, Crazyhorse, Lt. Krus, Arkbrik,Arkbrik, Leprechaun, Killer Karetsu, Hoboman, RunsWithLegos, Keldoclock, RobotMonkey, and Spartan117


Contents

Warhead's Tales of a Scottish Cop/Scottish Student

    • //Showered to Death//**

"You have to understand that sometimes a whole month or more has passed without discovery in most cases. Especially in winter when the cold can retard the rot and stench. Of, course if the heating is on that becomes less of a factor. I did have a guy lying in a running shower for maybe a month. When we tried to move him the skin just slid off."

//**Alcohol: Not Good With Death**// "There was another guy we thought had been brutally murdered, blood everywhere but we couldn't find any obvious stab wounds or whatnot. It turned out the guy had been an alcoholic and took some sort of seizure during a myocardial infarction which somehow caused his drink induced stomach ulcers to literally explode. So he was vomiting copious amounts of blood out his mouth as the heart attack killed him. It must have been very painful because the blood splatter was really violent and wildly sprayed all over the room. No pets this time, his girlfriend who'd found him was a bit of a dog though."

//**Defends The Damsel**// "This was before the Police, I was in my early 20's, maybe at the age of 22 at the most. My then girlfriend, who as it turned out was the daughter of a rich businessman took me on holiday to Amsterdam during the new year. She paid for everything, she was quite well off and totally into me, it was good fun and all that. Anyway, we've just had a great time in the centre of Amsterdam fireworks and a... er, show, some alcohol and nice romantic meal etc and were chilling out in the wee hours back in the hotel lobby knocking back a few drinks with the other guests when all of a sudden voices are raised and this guy smashes a punch into his girlfriends face sending her screaming to the floor. I hadn't even realised it but I was up and running right at the guy before I could think. I smashed him up against a wall in a body check got a grip of his neck and stood over him about to give him the good news with a few punches of my own all the while looking about for his mates. As I looked I saw that nobody had even reacted yet and everyone's just stunned so I look back at the guy who's in tears and presenting no threat so I let him go and back up. His mates and their girlfriends sort out the rest and take them both away. Fortunately afterwards everybody lied their arse off when the Police (called by the Hotel staff) arrive so they didn't even get to question me about it, thank fuck. The next day at breakfast one of his mates showed up trying to make excuses but I told him to get to fuck. No more problems the rest of the trip."

    • //Days in High School//**

"Way, way back in High School. In a snow ball fight gone wrong, most did go wrong in our school as it was just another excuse for massive fights. I charged a whole class of fellow pupils of the same year as me and grabbed one guy by the neck putting him in a hold before looking up only to see I was alone. The rest of my class had balked and run for it. His mates had by now cunningly spotted that I was the only one who had charged so were beginning to rush forward. I remember thinking how fucked I was when I saw them all running at me intent on dishing out a kicking. I could see the whole class of maybe 15-20 guys racing for me. You know that bull shit about time slowing, well it's not bull. I looked down at my feet, saw a patch of gritted path that wasn't ice and snow and set my feet firmly on it taking a wide stance. The guy I was holding started to struggle so I punched him two or three times rapid like to the back of the head and shouted for him to stay still. I looked up and the first guy was right there bringing his arm back for a swing and I punched him in the face bursting his nose letting him fall past me as I threw the guy I was holding round in front of me and into the next guy. They both went down in a heap and with my hands free I started punching and yelling blue blazes shouting "C'mon you motherfuckers!!!" and egging them on. The entire class stopped and ran for it, my classmates had arrived. Not my toughest but one of the most fondest fights I've ever had. It was my earliest experience of keeping a clear head in a scary situation."

"One of my earliest High School recollections during lunch break was watching a guy being taken apart by a gang of Busby Young Team with Chibs (the name for sharpened metal used as a knife) and hammers stolen from metal work class."


Mini-Warhead Upholds The Clan Honor

    • //As told by Warhead//**

My Son, Mini-Warhead got into his first real fight at school today, and won. An older bully in the school tried to push him around, and when he wasn't getting anywhere he punched Mini-Warhead in the gut, but the wee fell punched him right back, laying him flat. I can not express my manly pride. We talked about it, and he used the right fist technique and guard I taught him, and didn't need to go for the face, he remembered the stuff I'd told him to do. I also told him he had done the right thing, despite what his head teacher had to say. I'll teach him how to dodge better and to punch without being seen next time, some snot nosed rat bag snitched on them.

To celebrate this manliness I'm gonna' hump his mom later, but I didn't tell him that bit.




Stubby Beats the Shit Out of An Inexperienced Pencil-Stabber

"I got stabbed with a pencil one other time a year later, but the dumbass tried to jam it into my bony chest instead of up through the soft tender abdomen like experienced pencil-stabbers do. I was already bleeding pretty bad from taking a couple good punches to the face so I just spit a mouthful of blood in his eyes, grabbed him by the back of the head while he was blinded, and bashed his face into a wall a couple times, dumb kid. Nowadays I'd probably get arrested for the blood thing, now that it's a biohazard and everyone's freaked out about AIDS transmission or whatever. But back then it was just business as usual, five minutes later I was sitting down in my next class and nothing ever came of it."



Natalya's Hobo Stand-Off

"Okay so one night I was in downtown Atlanta, going to my car in a parking garage at my university. I was alert because every now and then there are hobos in the parking garages who try to break in cars or steal peoples money or whatever. I think one girl got raped too. My university is pretty close to a big hospital and Auburn Avenue which is like the ghetto street. It used to be on its way up (and that's where MLK's birth home is) but now it's not really going up so much. Probably the other direction. Anyway, so, I get out of the stairs and I'm walking over towards where my car was parked, when I see some guy (probably homeless) come out from behind one of the car ramp things, walking straight towards my car... At first I'm like "fuck I figured" because my car is a mustang and I got black window tint so it looks hood, so like of course he's gonna go to my car, right? So as I'm walking there I'm like "Hey! Fuck off!" At first he was startled, but then he turns and sees me and is like "what are you gonna do about it?" or something? It's hard to understand these guys some times. So, right then is when //__you lost the game__//."'

Disclaimer: I'm just trollin.


Nitewatchman's Stickin' It To The Man

"I've never been one to fight other kids, but there have always been those mean-spirited, douche bag teachers in America's public school system that I just can't stand; the kind that, instead of being above rude comments and witty remarks, choose to make them at sixth-graders and look oh-so-smug about it. So in sixth grade, near the end of the first semester, I'm in math class. My teacher was this big fat lady named Mrs. Fatty Fat or something ironic like that. Even more ironically, she raised pigs. I HATED this woman because she was really just a mean person. On top of being mean to every else, she especially hated me, because I don't put up with rude comments from someone who is supposed to be there to teach me. Anywho, I'm sitting here in her class, doing my work after I hadn't been for a few days, since it was easy math and she had been getting on my nerves a lot more than she normally did. I called her over to my desk when she was walking around helping the other kids because I was having trouble with a problem and, after all, she was the math teacher. So she gets over, sees I've done over half my work and chuckles and says, "Oh, actually doing your work today?" This wasn't that cute, jovial sort of comment; it was the kind that ended with an eyeroll as if to say, "Ha, this kid is doing what he's supposed to, but he's still such a retard." I immediately shut my book and stopped working. She walked off, and class went on. When there was only about ten minutes left in class, she was sitting at her desk and everyone was finishing up their work. By this time, I had started working again. So I'm sitting at my desk like a good little kid, doing math problems and waiting for the bell to ring, all the while listening to Mrs. Fatty Fat Fat have some sort of conversation with some of her teacher's pets. And then, out of no-where, she makes a joke about me. Even raising her voice so I can hear it. My first thought was, "I'm going to take this pencil and jam it in her eye" but, after considering the fact that I wasn't so far from going to a juvenile detention center, I decided to just leave...but I was not just going to walk out. I stood up, grabbed my chair-desk combo, and hurled it at her. Being that I was in sixth grade, it didn't clear her desk; but it did push it against the wall and give me time to walk out the door, down the hall, down the stairs, and out of the school. I would've just gone home, but they called a truancy officer who picked me up and took me back to that hell-hole. "


Silverdream's Lone Stand And Other Stories

"It was recess, back in grade seven. All the grade sixes were little shits, us older kids had to earn our respect. So around three classes of grade six boys are running across the field wherein we hungout. These fuckers attacked us and threw grass in my mouth. My friend pulls out a pocket knife and is promptly tackled to the ground by a grade six. I kick the bastard in the back of the head and leg sweep another so he falls down the hill. They back off. I make a joke about how my korean friend's mother jacked me off last night. This other dickhole tells him and as we all know, Koreans want blood. So he runs up to me swearing like shit. I dodge him as he charges me, but I'm kicked in the stomach. I punch him in the stomach and dodge his kicks. Suddenly, it's the Grade sixes. They may not be armed or armoured well, but they have numbers. I say to Jinny, "We've got to team up once more if we're to live past this day." He nods. We start going berserk, Picking off the enclosed circle one by one but we eventually are hit too many times, too tired,but then a few say "AH FUCK" and run away. They were shot by a paintball gun(Speedball) by another korean. Then, I got beat up pretty badly. Ah well."

//**Scars: Best Icebreaker Ever**// "It was recess, grade two. (I'm telling you how I got these scars on my kneecap.) I tripped and fell, and two pebbles went into my knee. I'm screaming my ass off and my friends go and get a teacher. At the end of school I remember my dad asks me why I'm limping when he picks me up. The teachers didn't think to tell my parents." "It was grade seven-ish. (I'm telling you how I got this scar on my forehead.) I hadn't cleaned my room for almost a year. My sister's yelling to her friend out my window and pushes a plastic duplo box behind her with her foot as I walk by. I tripped and fell and my head hits the corner of a table. The skin opens and hurts like all hell and I'm bleeding from my head and running to see what's happened to my head. I'm bleeding shitfast and scaring the hell out of myself. I think I put it on ice or something with a band-aid. I go to the hospital, but it's a ten hour wait so I go to a small clinic and get my head glued up."


Ross Varn: Manliness Emanating Through Girlfriend

"A few years ago, about the time that I joined the forums, I was attending Public School in the seventh grade. It sucked. Hardcore. I ended up getting recess offered to my class after I asked around about it on the first day. Apparently that was strange, seventh grade hadn't been allowed on the playground before. So, I make friends with a black kid, straight A student, a "army brat" who's probably moving at the end of the year [as usual], and Queen Goth, who apparently really liked clueless me. I get into a strange relationship with Chad, the lead "bully" of the class. He doesn't really do anything bad, he just verbally preys on you, right? You know the type. After a couple months of this crap, even King Clueless myself can see that Chad and his couple of friends are bad news, right? I've made sure not to get on his bad side, but he's said nasty stuff anyway, the typical "all of your friends hang out with you because they feel //sorry// for you because you have no friends" twisted logic that bullies get into. Eventually, one lunch hour- we had lunch in the classrooms without adult supervision- him and I are standing at the front of the room. I had just beat his scrawny ass in basketball, and he was pissed off, and verbally taking it out. I'm just standing there. Eventually, the ten-ish other half of the class that are still in the room notice that we're going at it, and they cluster around. He says something snarky, and I clench my fist. Hunter [no joke, that was Chad's toadie's name] grins as he sees this and starts chanting "Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight" Chad grins at me and starts to move forward. I tilt my head to one side, look directly in his eyes, and yell "Hey Cam!" Queen Goth looks up and blinks. She was one tall, heavyset girl. She gets up and heads directly for Chad as the crowd starts to break up and Chad attempts to back away. Cam gets directly in his face and goes completely off topic, berating him about why she can't stand jackasses like himself attempting to rile things up. I sit down and continue eating my lunch as he makes an excuse and disappears. And apparently they had a gun threat a year ago when one of the high school students posted a "hit list" on their Facebook. Go figure. Pick your fights, my friends."



BFenix: Not One to Rob

"Well, I remember this time (2009) when me and my class were going to the cinema and then grab some drinks to celebrate the beginning of Summer Vacs, and on our way there we got approached by four gypsies. They asked for our wallets and cells like robbers usually do. I was in front of our whole group, along with two of my best buds and we laughed, I was like "Dudes, you are four, we are like twenty!", the robbers smiled back and said "Really? Think again..." I was kinda confused but then I saw one of the gypsies looking at something behind me, I also turned around and saw my whole freaking class running away, shouting "Watch out, BFenix and (friends names) are being robbed, runaway!" In that precise moment I realized what a bunch of pussies my class mates were and how fucked me and my mates were about to be... The robbers asked for our stuff again and threatened to "hurt" us if we did not obey. But, no matter how stupid it was, me and my buds are tough and we don't pussy out of things, and with a slight tone of both courage and fear we said something like "Fuck you!" After this it just got worse, two of the fuckers pulled hunting knives from their belts, one reached for a spiked brass-knuckle in his pocket and the last one just stood back and watched (I think he was younger than the others, a kid really. The others were about 18/20) When they charged at us I remember my buddy on the right kicking one in the face broking his nose, my friend on the left was punched in the stomach by the brass-knuckle bastard and he broke one rib. The other one came after me, I dodged his stab and grabbed his arm with both my hands and my knee using a badly executed blocking maneuver I learned in Judo, I put to much force into it due the adrenaline and broke or dislocated his arm his arm. I don't know what was the condition of his arm or my friends because then - lights out. After the encounter, I woke up in the pavement near the road. My friend who broke the other guys nose called a paramedic that was near the ambulance. When I got up I saw what mess we made. There was a police patrol car and an ambulance near us on the road and crowd around us. I remained sat in the back of the ambulance breeding some oxygen while a para was checking me, fortunately I was OK. Everything was fine, but my mate who got punched had to go to the hospital. Then my other friend explained what happened. While I was still smacking down one of the fuckers the little bugger sneaked behind us and hit me with something in the head and I fell unconscious. While all this was happening my pussy friends made theirselves useful after all and called a nearby police officer who then went to his patrol car and arrived at our location with his partner and copped the damn gypsies. The little one got away, the others were slightly fixed up by the paras and then straight to the patrol car. It was a day to remember, I was called by my friends either the stupidest idiot on the planet or the bravest and luckiest bastard. I guess I was both, they could have been armed with some guns, then I probably wouldn't even be writing this here with you guys... "



Tzan's Shark-Fighting (American) Football Coach

"I played football and was practicing kickoff coverage. I was first to the return guy and tried to hit him with my shoulder pad but he shifted a bit and my arm hit him, which is useless. The coach then teaches me a good lesson. He picks me up, flips me upside down and drops me on my head. I had a helmet, but boy the joke would have been on him if my scrawny neck snapped. This particular coach wore shorts, which showed off his scars from the shark attack. I guess in this story the coach is the badass."

**(Note: theThe coach and sport are //american////American// football. For the non-US folks who don't know it, it's a bit like rugby.)**rugby.)**</span>



*Crazyhorse* Utilizes His Rights As A Man

"Last night I was extremely drunk and I saw this tree in front of me so I decided to climb in it, it was the hardest climb ever. When I reached the very top of the tree I decided that I had to take a piss so I did and enjoyed the view as my urine splattered down the street. When I realized that I was up a tree taking a piss I laughed so hard that I almost fell down."



Lt. Krus's Defense of the Rep

"We were playing CTF because my gym teacher was cool like that, and so my team was winning about 7-2 or something crazy like that, and so the latest round ends, and I'm talking with a friend from the other team in the 1 minute break between rounds and I was bragging (but in a friendly way) and we were punching each other in the shoulder, and some punk-ass doof walks up to me and pushes me back a little, so I push him down saying "Don't touch me" and so then he gets back up, tries to push me again, I dodge, and push him down on him face. He gets up again. so before he tries to do shit I grab the back of his head, punch him in the stomach, and throw him down to the ground face-first. He had to get an MRI, and I had to go to public school. Best day of my life, no sarcasm, privet school sucked. Plus the little pussy deserved it."


ArkBrik Fucks Up The Local Asshole

"It was in 6th grade (might be another grade in other countries, I was 12 at the time anyways) and I had just discovered the joys of roleplaying games. So I was playing with a few friends, when this asshole walks up, along with his underling (more of a dumbass than an asshole). They start insulting us and soon enough it escalates to violence. The asshole orders the dumbass to take on my friends (one on three) while he goes for me (one on one). I've never been much of a fighter, but it turns out there is a god or karma or something. I don't know exactly how, but I overpower the asshole and he hits the wet gravel face first. He pulls himself up and staggers away, his dumbass following. My friends and I resume our game. I later learned that he ran off to the teacher and told her that I beat him up. But I never got any reprimands for this, he had been an asshole to everyone including the teachers so I guess they felt he had it coming."



Rody Beats a G Into Submission WIth Words

"I was just minding my own business while walking towards the train station. and suddenly this marocan wannabe gangsta guy comes up to me and says something like "alright you fucker, I'm here now, so let's get this fight started" while removing his jacket and cracking his knuckles and shouting insults at me and everything. so I, being quite confused by the whole ordeal, ask him why. apparently some guy that looked a lot like me (at this time he was still convinced it was me), had set up a fight with him after greatly insulting the guy, only to not show up. I somehow manage to calmly convince the guy that I was not the person, and suddenly the dude starts to appologise and starts telling me his life story, like how he had just gotten out of prison and how I'm a nice guy that he respects and bla bla blablabla. after he finished talking I say goodbye and leave this nutcase as I continue towards the railway station."



Leprechaun's Knife Fillets A Snake

"I was hiking up this dry hill covered with boulders, burnt brush, and other assorted dead plants when I looked ahead and saw a rattlesnake in my path. so I walked over to it at a slightly fast pace, it saw me and started rattleing or whatever, so I trapped its head under my leather boot. then I took my knife (dad's ex-navy survival k-bar)and slit it first lengthwise, then just cut off the head. I kept my foot on the head till the body stopped moving, then cut off the rattle and took it with me, and continued with my hike. I think I ended up tying the rattle to my stave. (much later, a pussy friend of friend broke the staff, which I had handcarved/painted, so I threw him into the local river bleeding in several places. But that's a different story) In short, I had a knife fight with an angry rattlesnake. I won."


Killer Karetsu: Silent Pain Before Dishonor and Defeat

"Years back, when I still lived on the more central Finland (now near Helsinki, the capital) I played hide and seek in a nearby forest. I had a pretty good place, in the middle of 4 quite small pines. After a few moments I feeled something crawling up my leg and then I saw that nearby was an ant nest (not any "dangerous ones", but their bites are still nasty and they smell bad) and there were dozens of them at the ground near me and the one bastard in my leg. First I waited for it go away but then it bit me. I smashed it. But then I suddenly saw the seeker of the game and he goes so near me that I can't make any sounds while the ants bite and crawl about me (of course I wore sandals then, did it never again in the woods) and after a few seconds the seeker left and I left the spot, covered in many ant bites. [The ineffectiveness of the bites] might be the reason why [the ants] have a "fobia" against [me]."



Hoboman Exposes Hospital Corruption Through Self-Induced Pain

"I was grinding down some parts at my uncle's machine shop when a part flipped from my hand, knocking my left pointing finger up under the safty cover. Before I could turn the grinder off the whole pad was ground from my finger and you could see the bone. I unscrewed the safty cover and wrapped my finger in a clean shop towel. I then began to apply as much pressure as I could on the finger using my right hand. A friend drove me to the local Emergency Room. By the time we got there the shock was wearing off and I was in some real pain. I walked up to the check in window and asked to see someone. The lady at the window looked up and saw me holding my left finger with my right hand and blew me off. She looked back to her computer and while looking at her computer put some forms on the window counter and told me I needed to fill them out before I could see someone. So I extended both arms through the window and let go of the shop rag. Blood began to spirt all over her desk. She jumped back and then, I guess, realized I was in need of some "Emergency" care. She called out to someone while she came running out to the front. Two others joined her. The pain was real intense by that point but I would not let myself cry out. She later told me it made her worried that I was so pale and calm. I did not wait nor fill out any forms, I was in and seeing someone right away. The forms came later."



RunsWithLegos Defends the Damsel

"Well, at one day in 8th grade at recess I was strolling around the football field thinking, when I saw some kids in my grade chucking snowballs at one of my friends from 7th grade on the other side of the field. So I yelled to them, telling them to stop, they did not and pegged my friend in the chest with an ice ball, making her fall and cry. Now this pissed me off so I came up to them and told them to stop or I would force them to, most of them Stopped, but one said "I'd like to see you try." and got ready to throw another ice ball. So I shoved him into the snow bank he was bent over. He got up and socked me in the mouth, And I grabbed one of his arms and his coat and picked him up, turned around and slammed him on his back. Then I left. Later some one told me he lost a tooth some how."


Keldoclock is Immune To Pain

"When I was very young I had an extreme [hatred] of needles, [due to a vendetta held against them for killing my girlfriend,] and a very strong love of sweets. The end result was me undergoing root canal without anesthetic."



RobotMonkey Beats The Shit Out Of His Rival

"Back in fourth grade, I got in a fight with this kid, and we had a mutual hated for each other's guts since Kindergarten. He had one of his cronies bring me over, saying he was going to apologize for all of the crap over the years. Instead when I arrive, two other cronies throw milk cartons full of rocks at me. (I dunno, trying to mimic a grenade?) I dodge them, and then the main asshole charges at me, dual-wielding plastic knives from the cafeteria. I then pulled a paperclip, unfolded it and wrapped it around my fingers, with both points forward (Imitating a brass knuckle) we engage in a fight, and he drops both knives rather quickly in exchange for fists. He comes out bruised and bleeding, and I barely had a scratch. Sure, we both got suspended for that, but it was worth it."


**Spartan117 Plays Airsoft....?**

"in an airsoft game where my team was me, two guys who where my age but no spartan and a dude my age who had a fair amount of airsoft time, against 5 of the best airsoft players there were. my team had basic assault rifles. there team had a high power sniper rifle AND a heavy machine gun. so right before the game started im thinking: how the heck did this happen? so the horn sounds before I can come up with a good plan, I simply said "flank left". so now im running with my team when we make contact, turns out they flanked faster and where waiting for us. I yell "get down! grab cover and return fire!" then look around knowing we can't win force on force so I told them to keep there heads down and don't die then ran far to my right hoping to yet again flank, and as always I got lucky and got right next to them and started taking shots. after a few more I took out the guy watching me, ran right towards the rest of there team, shot one more, and felt somthing like an arrow go past my head, it was the high power sniper. I ducked, rolled and fired a burst in his direction, more luck, got him right in the head, the last two turned towards me and only got of three or four shots before I finished them off...then I was just standing there panting, I had killed the whole enemy team, and without a single casualty on mine." //**Falls On A Cactus and Plays Airsoft......Credibility Check Please.**// "I was trying to kill a vip and I was running down a hill way to fast when I fell REALLY hard right on a cactus, most of you most likely havent seen a cactus and take it from a guy who has fell screeming in to two or three...there not fun. anyway fell right on it and somthing like 7-6 two inch needles disapered into my left arm, but unwilling to give up I stand up and keep running, firing my gun one handed and pulling the spines out with my teeth. I won that game and lots of respect. still have one spine in my arm from that battle that was like 8 years ago"

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