(Orange Time Chainsaw!! FUCK YEA)
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[[R. 2,010]] <-- The most ossum G.R. yet.
[[R. 2,010]] <-- The most ossum G.R. yet
Revision as of 17:42, 27 January 2013
The Birth of the Deadly Spaceman
Religious iconography created by a Deadly-SpaceMan-worshipping cult from the much later BrikVerse of R. 2,003.
With the progress of history, this carefree population of medieval knights blossomed into modern cities of yellow and happy-faced citizens, brutally divided by hat style into strict castes of policemen, petroleum workers, drivers, firemen, construction workers, and finally, girls. The construction worker class developed a substantial body of knowledge surrounding the usage and properties of the mysterious ABS they worked with, and independent cabals of construction-worker theoreticians began investigating the possibility of using it for interdimensional space travel and bioengineering. Before long, all of minifig society was caught up in a space race to extend their reach to the plastic stars above.
While the first SpaceShips were under assembly in high-security police and fire stations, secret hospitals staffed by faceless and limbless proto-figs worked round the clock to design and create SpaceMen to pilot them.
It's impossible to know the sources of genetik material used in the injection-mold construction of these ultimate superfigs. It can be assumed that no yellow-colored species was left untapped, from the smiley-faced minifig citizens, to their limbless protofig servants, to the long-armed yellow giants of earlier ages. (Any suggestion that the bloated white-colored Dooploids were involved, however, risks attracting the interdimensional attention of any number of SpaceMan Planetary Sterilization Squads, and is best avoided.) There was no questioning the end result, first achieved by the prestigious research team at Hospital 555: the Deadly SpaceMan, the most dangerous bioengineered organism ever to exist, was loosed upon reality.
The tales of the Deadly SpaceMen's interdimensional wave of terror, the internecine wars between the Red and White SpaceMan factions, and the histories of their galactik conquests would fill a library. For our purposes, it's only important to note that when their thousand-year rampage reached its end, they had kicked the ass of the entire universe. As SpaceMen of both factions planted their flags on the burning husk of the final unconquered world, the accumulated eon's worth of conquest reached such a level of ass-kickingness that it would soon break the universe. Eventually, some SpaceMen created the ultimate dimentional weapon, the Orange Time Chainsaw. This terrifying device annihilated their enemies by pushing them out of space-time into the future or the past. However, it was too strong and the weapon soon ripped apart time itself and shredded the very fabric of the BrikVerse.
History is Broken
Broken shards of the shattered SpaceMan universe ripped forwards and backwards through time and across dimensions, disrupting and shredding the fabrik of the Brik timeline. While the overall sweep of history remained similar, holes torn by chunks of SpaceMan reality introduced new twists and complications.
The Yellow Castle remained pure and strong in the new reality, but now the countryside was overrun with the terrifying anthrofigs of Furbuland. As civilization reached the modern age, the strict class order of society was frayed at the edges: some minifigs wore policeman hats and yet drove cars, while others wore never-before-seen chefs' hats and became chefs. Others still bucked the hat-based order entirely, wearing no hats at all like common girl minifigs, despite being male.
Regardless of these changes, history followed the same overall course. The SpaceMen rose up once again, this time in warships of even greater sophistication and variety, and broke the universe even more efficiently than before.
Shards of the second universe ripped forwards and backwards through time, along with extra shards left over from the first universe; these disrupted and shredded the new Brik history even further. A new, third history developed, similar to the first two. When it was shattered, there was a fourth, and then a fifth, and so on. With each catastrophe, the reformulated universe became more sophisticated and complex, with the influx of minifigs and constructions of all the realities that had gone before. Animals and plants appeared in greater variety, the pure Royal bloodline split into endless factions, and the original citizen castes multiplied into an unintelligible multitude of minifigs. The great Yellow Castle was lost to obscurity, and even the mighty SpaceMen were altered and diluted by the effects of one broken universe after another, first splitting into more and more faction colors, then into different varieties of SpaceMen within those colors, and finally into endlessly specialized space warriors far removed from their SpaceMan forefathers.
Because the use of ABS as a construction material and fuel has the side-effect of warping time and space, and because SpaceMen's natural compulsion to kick ass must inevitably tear all histories into tangled messes, time in the BrikWars universe is inconsistent and poorly-defined. One might leave one's house in the morning on a brisk walk, innocuously chewing a piece of ABS chewing gum, and find oneself arriving home 300 years in the past. Two sides of the same street might be on separate planets one day, and cross-dimensionally superimposed on one another the next. How does one organize a history when such extreme distortions are possible?
BrikWars historians order their scriptures according to Rekonstruktions, assigned a number according to how many previous realities they're influenced by.
Although the reality in which SpaceMen arose has been proven to be the original version of the BrikVerse, Brik science has determined that the SpaceMen's destruction of the universe retroactively created 1,977 previous generations of Retkonstrukted realities preceding their own. None of these previous realities contain minifigs, but as they get closer to R. 1,978, devolved forms of pre-minifig life can be observed. These creatures occasionally reappear in later Revolutions, and may paradoxically be the source of the protofig bioengineers responsible for creating the SpaceMen in the first place.
Brik theologians theorize that, because the Universal Ass-Kicking created 1,977 previous generations of reality, it must have created exactly 1,977 generations to follow, and the universe will finally run out of ABS in R. 3,955.
By complete and lucky koincidence, Rekonstruktion numbers correspond precisely to the years on Earth during which their factions appeared on retail shelves in construction brik sets. For instance, the invasion of Poop Dragons from the NegaVerse occurring in R. 2,003 happens to correspond exactly with Mega Bloks' "Dragons" line knocking Lego out of the #1 Construction Toy spot in the year 2003 on Earth.
Naturally, factions don't simply disappear at the end of their Rekonstruktion; remnants of each faction linger on in the garage sales and discount shelves of history. A popular few, such as the Royals, come back for several Rekonstruktions in a series of evolved forms.
R. 2,004 |
R. 2,005 | These G.R.'s appear to have sucked.
R. 2,006 |¯¯¯¯¯¯
R. 2,007 |
R. 2,010 <-- The most ossum G.R. yet.
R. 2,013 <-- The current G.R.