UNMORTAL

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UNMORTAL

Postby Warhead » Sat Jun 25, 2011 8:13 pm

Easy Fix, something had to be done.

stubby wrote:Image

WHACK!

WHACK!

WHACK!


Image
WHACK!

"WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHO --"

"Awake at last. Welcome to the Afterlife!"

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"Allow me to introduce myself. My na- - URK"

"Fuck you and your Afterlife, I'm Immortal."

Image
"Huh, I hit him so hard he disintegrated. Now where the hell am I?"

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"Suburbs as far as the eye can see. Looks like I'll be conquering my way out as usual."

"Immortals had an Afterlife too, once, until your Emperor invaded and destroyed it. What little remained was too weak to contain an Immortal's soul. But... I've fixed it!"

"Peachshit, to invade an afterlife He would have had to die first. Never happened! Anyway didn't I just kill you?"

"Of course you killed me! It's the Afterlife! Where am I going to go, Detroit?"

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"I'd rip your face off if you had one, just to find the source of neverending bullshit streaming from your mouth. I'm not dead, just lost."

"I'm not strong enough yet to collect a full-strength Immortal soul. But I can gather your lost soul shards as they die, and bring them here to recombine them. Soon there'll be more of your soul here than in the original Warhead, and the rest of him will flow here naturally."

"I AM the original Warhead, shit-for-brains! I'm not a shard, and I'm not dead!"

"All shards think that. You were thousands of shards with thousands of deaths to remember, no wonder you've forgotten the details. But no need to worry about that! You're in the Afterlife now, you should stop and consider the advantages!"

Image
"Welcome . . . to Momville??"

"Yes, Momville! The houses you saw in the distance are for moms. All the moms in the universe end up here, if they're hot enough. You see, in order to balance - "

Image
"Enough talk! We can finish this conversation later. MUCH later!"

"Of course! We have all the time in the universe!"

    (to be continued...)


stubby wrote:Soon, in a nearby house in Momville:

Image
"HONEYS! DADDY'S HOME!!!"

Image
(whistling)

". . ."

Image
". . ."

"Hey, where are all the moms?"

"Oh, I killed them all. I would have mentioned it, but you ran off so -"

Image
"WHAT! Why would you do that!?!?"

"Because, you see -"

Image
"- HURK"

"Never mind, I'm not really interested."

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"Wait a minute. If this is the Afterlife, wouldn't the moms reappear here?"

"I have a confession to make. I made up the Afterlife story to fuck with you. You really are the original Warhead, still very much alive. But I didn't realize the degree to which Momville would distract you before I could finish my joke."

"Your JOKE? Trying to convince me - wait. So there were never any moms here in the first place?"

"Oh there certainly were. Haven't you ever wondered why this universe contains so many soldiers and so few moms around to birth them? I've been scooping them all up, every last one. All the hottest moms, billions and billions of them, repopulated to this hidden colony."

"This is actually starting to sound like a good idea.
. . .
So where are they then?
"

"I told you! Dead!"

Image
"URK"

"You sick son of a bitch!"

Image
"You don't understand. I have a project underway to clone the greatest scientific mind the universe has ever known, and I needed a significant supply of high-quality biomass to clone him in sufficient billions. I suppose I could have used cows or belugas or something, but you'd already made such advances in hot-mom-tracking technology, I just piggybacked on your signal."

"That's impossible, those signals are shielded with - wait a minute! You harvested the universe's entire supply of moms for RECYCLING?"

"As I said, into the greatest genius in history! His researches into Anti-Immortalium alone justify the sacrifice."

"(random choking sounds)"

POOF!

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"President Justin of Nyphilis, known to some as the PandoraNuker! Working alone, he was on the verge of an Anti-Immortal breakthrough - now he numbers in the billions, spreading in all directions throughout space! One for every mom sacrificed! Except for the moms we used as food. PandoraNukers have to eat, after all."

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"YOU -

SODDING -

MONSTER!
"

Image
(Shred) (Mangle) (Mutilate)

"Hey! It cost me two hot moms to make those!"

"You cuntphobic asswrecking fuckthatch! You want bioengineering? I'm going to rip off every one of those PedoNukers' ballsacks and graft them to your calcified crotch so you can feel it when I kick them through the top of your fucking skull!"

"Have you noticed, by the way, that each time you kill me my glow dies down a little more? Maybe this next one will be enough to do the job once and for all. Do you think?"

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In an explosion of Undead Immortal rage, Warhead hacks the mysterious stranger to bits. The pieces do not disintegrate, and the stranger does not reappear. It seems that he's finally ready to stay dead this time. Despite the victory, Warhead is overcome with despair.

"All the moms, gone! And a universe full of pedonukers!

:no:!!!!!!
"

    (to be even more continued)


stubby wrote:Meanwhile, somewhere in hyperspace...

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"Grmblgrmbl hot moms... grmblgrmbl pedonukers, no...."

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":no:!!!!!!!!"

(intercom): "Lord Warhead! Is everything all right in there??"

"What! Who!
...Of course everything is all right, you fool! I wasn't screaming like a little girl, your headset is malfunctioning!
"

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(intercom): "Screaming like a -- ? Lord Warhead, security detected a massive energy spike centered in your bedchamber, and the Mom Officer shows no moms scheduled for tonight. Initial analysis shows a psychic blast disrupting the boundaries between hyperspace and the Negaverse, but the energy signature reads as Immortal and Undead -"

"No time for that now! Chief Mom Officer! Report!"

(intercom): "7.3 million moms within immediate warp range. No significant population changes since last night, milord."

"Navigator! Set course for the nearest mom-inhabited world!"

(intercom): "Aye-aye, milord."

"... Only a dream - a strangely silver dream.
All the moms, gone! What a horrible nightmare! Although I did enjoy the killing part.
"

    (to be continued)


stubby wrote:(Announcer:) "From the beautiful stages of Beige Carpet Studio - - - this... is F'NN!"

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(Announcer:) "And here's your host, Fedoooooooranukeeeeeeerrrrrr!"

(Applause)

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"Thank you, thank you. You're too kind. You people really are the best audience I've ever created from tissue samples.

Hello everyone! I'm Fedoranuker, and welcome to my show! And what a show I have for you tonight!
"

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"You'll never believe who've we have as our guest this evening. Freshly rematerialized after his humiliating death at the gates of FICO, it's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turd!"

(Boo! Hiss!)

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"As my AssistantNukers clear the stage, let's learn a little bit about our friend.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turd is one of those famous Immortals we've all heard so much about, these invincible, unkillable bastards. Thanks to the power of Nyphilitic science, we were able to trace his Immortal energy signature from FICO to its place of remanifestation, and capture this fine specimen as he incarnated. Truly majestic, he is quite possibly the smartest, deadliest, and most powerful of all the immortals. And he's ours!

Like all Immortals, we can't dispose of him through simple murder - he'll just reform somewhere else. Instead, we keep him hovering in suspended animation, isolated from any objects or weapons he might use to banhammer himself or escape. Sadly, this is the only real option for neutralizing Immortals for any length of time - UNTIL NOW!
"

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"What's that, you ask? Is there finally a way to rid ourselves of this scourge? That's right! Thanks to the combined brainpower of one billion hidden Pandoranukers, the silver dream of President Justin has finally been achieved.

Antimortalium! The tiniest touch disrupts the energy of the undisruptable Immortal Core, dispersing it forever, along with the flesh of the unfortunate Immortal attached to it.

A simple matter of harmonizing the energy feedback of the Antimortalium drill to that of our guest, and then I pull this switch here -
"

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(WILD APPLAUSE)

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"That concludes our demonstration, and as you can see, it was a complete success!

I assure you we won't be seeing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turd again. Accept no imitations - the Immortals may try to put out impostors to fool you, but you'll recognize a fake by his lack of skill. Remember that this was one of the Immortals' finest elites! And now reduced to mulch by a simple touch of our new Energized Antimortalium! Good night everybody!!!
"

(Standing ovation)

(End transmission)

    (to be concluded)


stubby wrote:"Are we off the air?"

"Yes Mister Fedoranuker. You can remove the disguise."

Image
"Please, call me Fedonuker. Temporalnuker! Did everything go smoothly with the real Teenage Mutant Ninja Turd?"

"Yes Mister Fedonuker. We had him backstage, and timeshifted him into the future at the exact instant you disintegrated the fake Teenage Mutant Ninja Turd on camera."
"Anyone tracking the energy signature of his Immortal Core would have seen it vanish at the precise moment of his 'death.' As far as they'll be able to tell, the 'Antimortalium' worked perfectly.
"

"Don't be so sure; these Immortals have been around awhile and have seen a lot of tricks. They may not be fooled for long, if at all, but their enemies won't be so smart. They'll believe in the promise of Antimortalium. How long before the Turd reappears?"

"Impossible to predict, Mister Fedonuker. Forward temporal projection is an inexact science."
"We estimate a month or more, but that's just a wild guess. Some of the Gamblingnukers have started a betting pool.
"

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"Ready to initiate self-destruct sequence on your mark, Mister Fedonuker."
"All this energon is expensive, it's a shame we have to blow it up.
"

"Never underestimate the power of pink sparkles, Expositionnuker! Just like beige carpets, pink sparkles have a powerful demoralizing effect on Immortals, and may distract them enough that they won't see through our ruse. More importantly, any Immortal agent who comes here to investigate after we blow up this satellite will be irradiated with the stuff. Pink sparkle radiation! It will be hilarious."

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"HILARIOUS!!!! MUHUHAHAHAHA!"

    (the end! finally!)
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Motherfucker!
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