[BF18] All I Want For Saturnalia Is Ragnablok

BrikWars fiction in long-prose form. Trigger warning: Walls of text

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Arkbrik
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[BF18] All I Want For Saturnalia Is Ragnablok

Post by Arkbrik » Mon Dec 17, 2018 7:39 pm

Sally slowly started to wake from her odd dreams. Then she remembered what day it was. Saturnalia! She was wide awake in an instant.

Sally leapt from the bed, barely able to contain her excitement. She ran out of her room and downstairs, still in her blue pajamas. In the living room, her stocking hung above the fireplace... and there was something in it! Something big!

She reached into the stocking, and pulled out a glossy paper box. A Turbo Advance Laser Blaster Z20. Sally gasped. She hadn't even dared to wish for that. She had put the regular Laser Blaster Z10 on her wish list, but this was even better! It had a longer barrel, a sight with real magnifying... Sally fumbled with the tape on the lid, got the box open, and pulled out the gun. There it was, looking just like in the catalogue. Bright green and silver, padded stock, coming with two extra mags. It was just the right size for her. She aimed down the sight, giggling with joy.

As the initial rush of euphoria settled into intense happiness, Sally was filled with gratitude towards her mom and dad. She had to thank them, right now! So she ran upstairs again, still clutching the blaster, and burst into her parents' bedroom.

"Mom! Dad!" she shouted. "Thank you, thank you so - huh?"

Sally's parents weren't in the room.

She searched the house. She couldn't find them.

Maybe they were in the garden? Sally put on her winter boots and opened the back door. Outside, the sun was just peeking above the horizon. It had snowed during the night, and the whole neighborhood was covered in a pristine layer of white. Sally took a few tentative steps across the snow.

"Mom? Dad?" she called.

Through the fence, she saw the kids next door, Johnny and Luke, coming out of their house, also dressed in pajamas.

"Are you looking for your parents too?" Johnny asked her.

"Yeah", Sally said. "Let's check with Hannah and Dave!"

The three children ran across the street, which hadn't been plowed, and was as white as everything else. Sally rang the doorbell. Hannah, who was Sally's age, opened the door, her little brother Dave peeking out of the kitchen.

"Hannah", Sally asked, "are your parents home?"

"No!" Hannah said. "They're gone!"

The kids spent a while running between houses, ringing doorbells, and checking in with other kids. Soon they realized that not only were their parents gone - all adults had disappeared.

Eventually, the twelve kids of the neighborhood all gathered in the middle of the street. Just like Sally, most of them were still holding their Saturnalia stocking gifts.

"We're on our own now, I guess", Sally said.

"But what are we supposed to do?" Luke asked.

"We - " Sally began. She was cut off. With a scream, reality tore apart down the street, and a spaceship forced its way through the rift. It was grey, bulky, spiky, with green-skinned, red-eyed creatures hanging onto every surface, shouting and firing guns in the air. 3 Inches of Blood started playing. The spaceship crashed into the street, throwing snow in the air, and skidded to a halt. The green creatures leapt down from the ship and charged at the kids, roaring a battlecry.

"BBRRROOOOOOTTTAAAAALLLZZZZ!!!"

The kids raised their gifts, gave a high-pitched battlecry of their own, and charged as well.

Sally brought up her Turbo Advance Laser Blaster Z20, took aim at the first brootal she saw, and pulled the trigger. Bright red laser shot out and hit the brootal's right arm, blasting it right off!

"Haha!" Sally laughed.

Before the brootal could recover, little Dave came running at it, screaming at the top of his lungs, and swung a yoyo into its head, with a crack. The creature fell face down in the snow. Dave looked surprised, and happy.

"Nice one, Dave!" Sally shouted. To her left, the brothers Johnny and Luke were fighting with broad yellow swords, dueling axe-wielding brootalz. To her right, Hannah sliced off a green head, using an actually-glows beamsaber. And from all sides, kids from other neighborhoods came running, drawn by the noise of the battle.

Sally kept moving forward, shooting at brootalz at will, until she came face to face with an extra large one, wearing a huge metal helmet, wielding a machete and a cleaver axe. Sally fired, but the brootal ducked, and the laser glanced off the top of its helmet. Then the brootal leapt forward, knocked aside her blaster with the machete, and brought the axe down. Sally dodged to the side, but the axe caught her left arm, and chopped her hand off.

"Ow!" Sally yelled. She kicked the brootal in the gut, and it stumbled backwards, enough for Sally to bring up the blaster with her remaining hand. She squeezed the trigger. The brootal's torso exploded in gore, Sally jumping through it even as the limbs flew in all directions.

She was now directly in front of the spaceship. There was an open hatch on its side. Intrigued, Sally climbed inside. Some other kids followed her.

Sally was at what she thought was the bridge. A large observation window gave a good view of the fight raging outside. Below the window was a large panel, covered in buttons, levers, and lights. At the centre, a large red button. Sally slammed it with butt of her blaster.

The ship roared to life, rose above the street, and sped away into the sky. The fighting kids and brootalz disappeared far below. Sally turned around, and looked at the kids who had followed her onboard. Luke, Hannah, little Dave, and a girl Sally didn't know. They were all spattered with blood, and all looked excited.

"Hi!" Sally said to the new girl. "I'm Sally. What's your name?"

"I'm Eliza!" the girl said. "Nice to meet you!"

"Nice to meet you too!"

The ship left the atmosphere. Outside, Sally saw the black night of space bending, falling apart, reforming. She saw green fields dotted by castles, jungle islands in the glittering sea, high-rise cities, hells burning in all colors, stars and moons in a new heaven. All blending together, all omnipresent.

"Where should we go?" Sally asked.

"Everywhere!" little Dave yelled.

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Re: [BF18] All I Want For Saturnalia Is Ragnablok

Post by Nemoto-Sensei » Fri Jan 11, 2019 2:16 am

Concept and theme - 9 In all honesty, what you present here is hilarious. It's just so bizzare and I love it! Also awesome that you're getting in the mood of Ragnablok, always nice to see some foreshadowed brootalization. I love the idea of a bunch of kids doing a standoff against the Brootalz and I think this was a good attempt, though there are some minor issues with the writing itself that I'll address later on.
Form - 9 I think the story flowed well here. Really isn't much to say, just a solid well paced story.
Voice - 6 I get that we're dealing with children here who haven't really developed their own character yet, but I think the dialogue could've been more interesting. There's very little backstory about who Sally is and I wish we knew more about her. All the rest of the characters felt very bland and I really wish we could have seen some hilarious Brootal dialogue.
Style - 16 Now here is where most of the issues in your story are. As said previously, I love the idea you based the story around. However, why did all the adults disappear? And where did these kids get the weapons from? Surely the city has some sort of space warning system if it has the tek to create commercial lazer guns. I get that it's a fantasy story, but some things do need a bit of exposition. The writing is also rather simplistic here. There isn't any high level imagery or metaphors being employed, and I think that those would have improved the quality of the tale by leaps and bounds. Regardless, good attempt and I wish you all the best! :tiger:

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Re: [BF18] All I Want For Saturnalia Is Ragnablok

Post by DayBoost_ » Fri Jan 11, 2019 7:48 pm

Concept and Theme- 8
Form- 8
Voice- 7
Style- 15.5
Presentation- 8

this cracked me up too

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Kommander Ken
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Re: [BF18] All I Want For Saturnalia Is Ragnablok

Post by Kommander Ken » Sun Jan 20, 2019 10:56 pm

Concept/Theme: 10
Form: 8
Voice: 8
Style: 15

This story was cute and I definitely appreciate the Brootal attack. I'm actually curious about hearing more of their adventures aboard a commandeered BAWKS.

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Re: [BF18] All I Want For Saturnalia Is Ragnablok

Post by TheCraigfulOne » Tue Sep 24, 2019 5:23 pm

This was hilarious. :lol:

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